Saving Alec, Saving Magnus
by AdventKisa-x
Summary: Saving Alec, Saving Magnus is the sequel to Saving Alec. Saving Alec was about Alec battling depression and Magnus saving him. Once again, Alec is battling his depression in new ways. Can Magnus save him again? Please read the original story to understand this one. COMPLETED
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hey guys! The polls are in and the majority of you guys wanted a new Saving Alec story. So here we go! I'll be completing all of my other stories within the next couple weeks so I'll be spending a lot of time on this one. If you have not read Saving Alec, you really need to or you might not understand everything that is going on in this one. So please read, review, and enjoy! And of course, Merry Christmas everyone. **

I've been spending the last eight months  
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end

Taylor Swift – Begin Again

**Prologue **

**Alec POV:**

There are moments in your life where you are really down, and I think I hit rock bottom. It all ended with me in my parent's bathroom, in their bathtub. I had just downed a bottle of pills. They say there's a light at the end of a dark tunnel when you die. That is either a lie, or I didn't deserve it, so I didn't get it.

What I saw instead was beautiful amber eyes, and black spikey hair. And let's not forget the glitter that was raining down all over me from that spikey hair.

They say that when you're down, and you want to hurt yourself, imagine doing it. If you can think of just one person who you love that would want to save you, then don't hurt yourself. In that moment I couldn't imagine anyone thinking I was worth saving, but one person came. Magnus saved me.

In the months since we've had our ups and downs. We've had fights, we've cried. We've screamed. We've suffered. But we've lived.

I fell in love with Magnus Bane the day he looked me in the eyes when I was dying. And I thought that that was enough, but it's never enough. I haven't been able to get over the undying love he has given me. I can't get over the fact that all great loves end. Ours hasn't, but it will.

All loves must end.

Pessimistic of me, I know. But I can't lie to you and say I'm an optimistic. I speak the truth, even if it hurts. I'm not sure how long Magnus and I can last, but I want it to last. I know I'm not perfect and I don't deserve Magnus, I wish sometimes I could let him go. He could meet some other boy or a beautiful girl that could make him happy, would make him happier than I ever could.

But I'm selfish.

The truth is, the darkness is reaching to me again. It's been one year since Allie died. Well, eleven months, twenty four days, four hours, and twelve minutes, seventeen seconds. Eighteen. Nineteen. You catch my drift.

Her death is what caused me to finally take the leap. Magnus saved me once, but can he do it again? Do I want him to risk his sanity again for me? Or can I let him go free?

The bad piece of me says, "Keep him. Hold on, never let go, and bring him down with you." But I can't do that to him. I can't hurt him.

So do I let him go?

Or do I let him suffer with me?

Do I live again?

Do I die for real this time?

Those are the horrible questions I must keep asking myself. And most importantly, am I worth saving twice?

No, I'm not.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Hey guys! Here is the second chapter for the new Saving Alec story. I changed the title a little bit, and I hope you enjoy this chapter. This story will have issues with self-harm, drugs, alcohol, rape, strong language, and character death so if any of these are triggers for you please be warned that this story is rated M and there will be graphic issues like there were occasionally in Saving Alec. If you're confused during some parts you should read the first story though it is not required to completely understand this one. Nothing in this story is mine, all these characters belong to Cassie, and these are just my thoughts. Enjoy!**

Is it my turn to die?  
My heart is pounding as I say goodbye  
So now I dance in the flames  
I love you crying and screaming my name

You said that we'd be forever  
How could you kill me and lie to my face?  
Now that we can't be together  
There's just no hope for our final embrace  
So here we are, I'm in your head  
I'm in your heart!

You were told to run away  
Soak the place, and light the flame  
Pay the price for your betrayal  
Your betrayal, your betrayal!

Your Betrayal – Bullet for my valentine

**Alec POV:**

I can't believe I'm here right now, I need to be at school and I know I'll miss it, but this is important. Last year started my junior year of high school and now I've started my senior year. You would think I'd be happy about getting closer to my last days in school, but I'm really not.

For one thing, Magnus isn't in my school anymore, as he graduated at the end of last year. For another, I'll have to finish this year without my best friend Allie.

Just thinking about Allie brings tears to my eyes and a deep pounding behind my eyes. I don't know how I've made it this long without her. When we met we were going to have it all. She was going to convince her parents to let her come to my school. We were going to go to college together. If she ever got married I was going to be there, if I ever got married she'd be at mine. She was going to have kids and I was going to adopt kids. We were going to share everything.

Until God took her away. Well, her God.

I'm not so sure I believe in God, I was raised to believe in the Angel Raziel, but an actual God who would give teenage girls cancer and not even give her a real chance in this world? What kind of just God would do that?

Magnus believes, I know he does. But he doesn't really talk about it with me anymore. Whenever religion comes up in our conversations I get snarky. I really shouldn't do that, it isn't fair to him. I know he believes his mom is floating on clouds and playing harps but I don't. I think when we're gone, we're gone. We cease to be, we are black.

That would have been me, I would have been black. I would have been gone. And sometimes, I wish I had been able to been taken away.

I know that's not fair, I know I should just be thankful for what I have.

I have my brothers and my sister. My parents. And I have Magnus and his lovable but sometimes annoying cat. But what don't I have? My best friend.

Her death ways on me so much even though it's been month's since she died. It's been almost a year. I can't believe it's been almost a year.

It's also hard to believe I've been on this journey with Magnus for a year, we had met of course before but we never connected until November last year.

I'll never forget that party. Our school always has Homecoming the last week of October, and some students thought it would be fun to have a party the week after. It was really only a seniors and juniors thing. Sophomores would only be allowed at the party if they were invited, and of course someone invited Isabelle and Jace. I was the designated driver because well, mom and dad didn't trust them enough not to drink.

I didn't plan on going back home though. I hate placed all of my school books into my bag and planned on walking into the lake. Drowning is supposed to be peaceful, and I needed the bag to hold me down so I couldn't fight the water coming into my lungs.

Magnus of course, being the person he is, saw me getting beat up by his friends and he had to do something about it. Then it was immediate, we formed this connection of mass proportion and now here we are. I love him, and he loves me.

But I don't love me.

How could he love me if I can't even love me?

My eyes drift up to the light blue walls of the house I'm in. Allie's. Allie forced her parents to paint all the walls and the outer walls blue because she thought it looked like my eyes. Even though her parents grumbled, they still loved doing anything that made her happy. They haven't gotten around to changing it, I don't think they ever will.

Allie's mom comes into the room holding a cup of tea, her hands shake as she hands it off to me. My heart stutters. She looks bad, her eyes are bloodshot, and her body is so skinny. And she and Allie's dad are in the middle of a really horrible divorce. I guess Allie's hope that they have another child has pretty much been dashed. They won't say it to me, they never said it to Allie of course, but her cancer was pretty much the end of their marriage. It was a financial strain, and all they could think about in those month's was her coming death. How do you deal with that, I don't think I ever could.

Allie's mom sits next to me and I can barely understand her as she whispers, "How are you doing Alexander?"

She, my parents, and Magnus were the only people who I let call me Alexander. It made me feel more adult, even though right now I don't want to be the adult.

I shake my head, "I've been okay. Why'd you call me here today?"

Maybe I'm being rude, maybe just plain hateful. But I'm angry they're getting a divorce. I'm angry that they dashed out everything that Allie wanted!

Her breath comes out even more shaky, "It's been almost a year, I would like it if you'd come to her grave with me on the day of the… anniversary of her death. Since she loved you so much. And her father and I, we love you too. I want us all to do something for her on that day."

I nod absently, "Okay."

I figured this was it.

I know she wants me to take care of her, but how can I take care of her when I can't even take care of myself?


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: **

**Hello everyone! Here is the next chapter for Saving Alec: Redemption. Please read, enjoy, and reviews are always appreciated!**

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes

I never knew daylight could be so violent

A revelation in the light of day

You can't choose what stays and what fades away

\- Florence + The Machine

**Magnus POV:**

"How are things going with Alec?"

I lift my eyes up from my coffee to look at Ragnor. "He's okay."

"How are you?"

It takes everything not to sigh in frustration. "Fine."

His lips twitch into a sarcastic smile. "You sound so happy. What's wrong?"

My eyes fall down to my cup and I pick it up to take a long drink. When I put it down I finally fully look at Ragnor. "Things with him have just been really rough. Maybe it's because we can't spend much time together since he's in school and I'm not anymore. But when we try to have a good time together he is always sad."

Ragnor's eyebrow rises. "His best friend died. It's not something you can get over at a certain time. He might never get over it, and that is something you will have to accept or move on."

My hands clench my cup until they turn white. "I don't want to move on from Alexander, I love him. I just want us to be happy for once..."

He takes a sip of his cappuccino. "Give him some more time. I mean, he has some serious mental issues. He tried to commit suicide, several times. You and his parents should maybe... have him uh..."

I force myself not to throw my cup at him, "we will not have him committed! He hasn't attempted suicide since he took those sleeping pills. He's getting better, slowly."

Ragnor smiles before getting up. "Just go take care of him. And if you can't, let him go. I need to go, Catarina wants to meet up."

I nod slowly and wave. My eyes drift back down into my now cold coffee. He's wrong. I shouldn't let go of Alec. He's amazing. He makes me smile. Alec is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I just... wish we could be happy, really happy.

The waitress comes by and picks up my cup before putting down the bill. I put a ten on the table and walk outside to my car in a daze. I don't know what to do. I want to help him but I don't know if I can handle this anymore. Maybe he does need help and maybe I'm not qualified to give it.

When I pull into my driveway, I see Alec's car and my lips automatically tilt up into a smile. He is home from school early.

I pull my car in next to his and I get out quickly. When I open the door I look around. I can hear a noise from my room and I smile. He came home early to see me. Maybe I'll make dinner and we can just hang out and watch movies or... something else fun.

I walk up the stairs and look in my room. Alec is laying on his side on the bed and I think he's asleep until he sniffs and I know he's crying. I hate the sigh of annoyance I want to let out. I know I have to be gentle with him.

He turns onto his back and spots me. When he does his eyes water and he turns his head from me. The annoyance automatically goes away and I lay down next to him and pull him into my arms. He cries against my chest for a few minutes before pulling away. His voice is rough when he finally speaks, "sorry Magnus. It was just a rough day."

I nod, "what happened?"

He presses his head against my shoulder, "I didn't go to school. Allie's mom wanted to see me. She wants to do something on the anniversary of Allie's death. I don't think I can do it, I don't think I'm ready."

I pull him closer to me and kiss his forehead. My fingers slide up and down his back. "Don't do it for her, or for Allie's dad. You should honor Allie's life in anyway you want to. If you want to go do whatever Allie's mom wants then only do it because you want to and not because she does. You need to take care of yourself before trying to take care of them."

He sniffs again, "okay. I love you Magnus. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I love you too baby." I kiss his forehead again. What do I do? How long can I take this?


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: **

**Hello everyone! Thanks for all of the amazing reviews and here's the next chapter for this story. I'll try to have the next two out within the next few days. As always, please read, review, and enjoy.**

It's caving in around me  
(Caving in)  
It's tearing me apart  
(Tearing me)  
It's all coming down around me  
(Coming down)  
Does anyone  
Anyone  
Care at all?

I will never be  
What you want me to  
You pull me under  
I pull you under

Coming Down – Five Finger Death Punch

**Alec POV:**

I can tell that Magnus is getting annoyed with me. He would never say it, he loves me enough he wouldn't ever tell me. But I know that I am annoying him. I wish I could change, that I could be better, that I could get better. But I don't think I ever will.

There's too much inside of me that is broken. Far too much. I wish I didn't feel broken, I wish it. For Magnus and Izzy. For Jace and Max. For mom and dad. There's far too much riding on me being okay. I can hide it from everyone except for Magnus. The others can look away and pretend not to notice what is going on with me, they can say the nice words and hope that I'll be okay. Dad has even said it's been long enough, nearly a year is long enough to get over what's wrong.

But is it long enough? How can you put a time period on mourning? Is one day enough? One week? One month? Six months? A year? It certainly can't go over more than a year can it?

I know that's what they expect of me. I mean, I only knew Allie for a little over a year before she died. But the second I met her, I knew we were going to be friends for a long time. She understood me in a way that no one has. Magnus doesn't even get me the way she did. Her cancer progressed so fast, I didn't have enough time with her. But she was always brave about her condition, she never let it get her down.

She always smiled, she always laughed, and she always took care of me when it should have been me taking care of her. I always tried, I always tried to turn the conversations in her direction but she'd always aim them back at me.

Once Allie said that I was going to live a lot longer than her. Grow old, marry some awesome guy, and maybe adopt a kid or two. She sounded so sad, and I knew that she wanted to grow old and marry an awesome guy too. She wanted everything all the little girls want when they were kids. She had to grow up far too fast. But whenever she was sad she always lit up whenever I was around her. I felt like I was her whole world and maybe on some level I was.

The truth is though, that she was my whole world. Don't get me wrong, I love my siblings, and I love my parents even though they're so distant. More than all of them though, I love Magnus. But no one has meant to me the way Allie did.

A knock sounds on the door next to me and my hollow voice calls out that I'll be done in a minute. I look at myself in the mirror.

My hair is unruly like always and my eyes are bloodshot. I haven't been getting near enough sleep but I can't seem to sleep no matter what I do. I want to take sleeping pills but whenever I talk about it everyone gets quiet. I know they wouldn't trust me taking any medication, they might never trust me ever again.

Whoever knocked before does it again and I sigh softly before opening the door. Izzy has her hand up ready to knock again but she puts it down when she sees me. "I just need my brush."

I walk by her and step towards my room, "I'm done in there."

"Alec…"

I don't say anything back but step into my room and close the door. It only takes a few moments to grab my book bag and step back out onto the landing. Izzy and Jace never rush me anymore like they used to, and it sort of bugs me. You'd think I'd be happy that they don't bug me quite so much anymore but it doesn't. I miss the nagging, I miss them asking me for rides. I miss sitting outside of resteraunts and clubs and stores waiting for them to get done hanging out with their friends so I could drive them home for mom and dad.

But Izzy finally got her license and Jace just doesn't know how to talk to me as much anymore. They walk around on eggshells around me, and I'm so angry about it. I know I might seem broken, but can't they treat me like usual? Treating me like this will just prolong the pain.

Mom and dad and Max aren't home so I don't have to worry about saying goodbye to them. I walk to the car and get in the driver's side. I don't care what they say, I am driving us to school. While I wait I think about Magnus and our time together last night. He wanted me to stay after I pathetically sobbed into his chest for an hour. But I couldn't, I've been trying to distance myself from him for a while now. I know it's not fair of me but I have to do it.

I've been distancing myself from everything, everyone.

Surprisingly, Izzy and Jace hurry outside together, and they aren't even later than usual. Izzy climbs in beside me and Jace takes his usual spot lounged out in the back. I know he's going to fall asleep, he always does.

We get to school before the tardy bell rings, another huge shocker. I don't know how many times I've had to look at my homeroom teacher, Mrs. Fray, and had to say "I was waiting for my little brother and sister." And my teacher understood completely.

When I get into class she looks at me shocked. I nod and sit in my seat and try to avoid the stares. Homeroom is the best, it's an advanced art class and I love it. I've always loved art.

Today Mrs. Fray starts off by lecturing instead of the normal just telling us what to do. When she's done twenty minutes later she finally tells us what to do. "Class, I want you to draw something that inspires you. When you're done with that I want you to paint it. This won't be graded, I just want you to work on something that really inspires you. It can be a book, or a bird, or something as small as a pencil, just something that really makes you think."

I feel my lips tilt up. We did this same project last year. I found myself at the time drawing a picture of Magnus.

I know my pencil hits my paper before anyone else.

I feel myself drawing white angel wings. And attached to them is a beautiful girl with black hair. And next to her will be black angel wings, attached to them is a boy with black hair and blue eyes…


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Hello everyone! Here's the new chapter of Saving Alec. This chapter will have a brief sex scene and a little bit of strong language. I hope you all enjoy!**

I came in like a wrecking ball

Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung

Left me crashing in a blazing fall

All you ever did was wreck me

Yeah, you, you wreck me

I never meant to start a war

I just wanted you to let me in

And instead of using force

I guess I should've let you win

\- Wrecking Ball - Miley Cyrus

**Magnus POV:**

Alec's breath puffed against my cheek as he moaned. My fingers run up and down his sides, and my hips thrust against his every time I press inside of him. His back arches and he lets out a huge groan and I know I've hit the spot inside of him.

I gasp out a moan and angle my hips so I can hit the spot each time. Soon he shudders in my arms and his cum splashes against my chest as I cum deep inside of him.

My arms shake and I lay down on top of Alec gently, nuzzling his cheek with mine. His legs are still wrapped around my waist, his heart is still beating erratically with mine. He slides his fingertips up my back to my hair.

I pull out of him slowly before moving off of him. He whines softly and I chuckle before laying down next to him and pulling him onto my chest. His heartbeat has slowed but I can still feel it pound against my chest. We lay in bed together for a few minutes but it feels like hours. He doesn't say anything and I don't mind. I love just laying with him and holding him.

One of our cell phones chirp on the table and I realize it's Alec's phone. He's half asleep already and I can barely make out what he says, "don't answer it, I'm asleep."

I smile and pick up his phone. On the screen it says 'Allie's dad'. I glance down at Alec and realize he actually is asleep. God he falls asleep so fast!

The phone stops ringing and within seconds it starts up again. I sigh and click the phone button before pressing the phone to my ear, "Hello?"

There's silence on the other end. "Um... hello?"

Maybe he just pocket dialed Alec or something. I'm about to hang up when I can hear a tired voice, "Alexander?"

I clear my throat. "No, Alec's asleep. Would you like me to wake him up?" As if I could. Once my boy is asleep it's nearly impossible to wake him up.

He chuckles roughly, "no thank you. I remember how hard it is to wake him up. I just wanted to know if Alexander or if you and him are coming out to the house tomorrow."

My throat tightens. Tomorrow is the anniversary for Allie's death. Alec's planning on laying flowers down at the grave, but I don't know if he wants to be around Allie's parents right now.

"Magnus?"

I clear my throat again. Maybe he needs to go with them...

"Magnus are you there? Did I lose my connection? Can you hear me now?"

I laugh, "no I was just thinking. Yes, we'll be out to the house in the morning. We can go... go see Allie together."

I can hear the smile in his voice, "she would love that... well I had better be off. Have things to get ready."

"Okay, have a good night."

"You as well."

The phone clicks and I pull it away from my ear to see that he hung up. I put it back on the table before getting up. I move into the bathroom and step into the shower. Since he's asleep and I'm not tired I might as well wash up.

As I'm rinsing shampoo out of my hair I can hear my phone ringing. I sigh and turn the knobs off. By the time I pull on a pair of sweat pants my phone has stopped ringing. I step into my room and see Alec is sitting up in bed. Without looking at me, "It was Ragnor. So did you answer when Allie's dad called?"

It takes a few moments before I speak, "yes."

I know how angry he is at Allie's father. It was he who wanted the divorce in the first place. It was he who couldn't... handle Allie dying.

Alec finally looks up at me. "What did he want?"

"He wanted to know if we're going to see Allie and if we'd go see him and Allie's mom tomorrow."

He gets out of bed and pulls on his clothes. I wait in silence.

When he finally pulls on his shirt he looks at me, "and what did you say to him?"

My eyes close before looking at him, "I said yes. I think that-"

"You had no right!"

I stop speaking and just stare at him. He's breathing hard. "You had no fucking right to say yes. Not after you know how I feel about doing things with them."

He's silent after the outburst and I speak, "I think you need to let them in. The three of you... you can't heal without each other."

He pockets his phone and keeps his head down, "I need to go."

My jaw tightens and I stare at him, annoyance building. "No, we need to talk about this. Stop running away when we need to talk about our problems. Did I go against what you want, yes. But I think you need to talk to them and let them in."

He looks at me angrily, "you don't know what I need."

He tries to step around me but I grab his arm, "don't walk away from me, God damnit. I'm trying to help you. Let me take care of you, let me make you happy, please!"

He jerks his arm away, "you can't. No one can. Just let me go."

He walks out of my room and a few moments later I hear the front door close. A tear drops down my cheek and I feel myself sliding down the wall.

What have I done?


	6. Chapter 6

**Here's the new chapter everyone! This is probably going to be the saddest chapter so far for this story. Warnings include some language, brief sexual content, and blood. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. **

They say it's what you make

I say it's up to fate

It's woven in my soul

I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright

I wanna save that light

I can't escape this now

Unless you show me how

\- Demons - Imagine Dragons

**Alec POV:**

I move onto my side and lay there for a few moments before turning back onto my back. My normally comfortable bed just isn't doing it for me tonight. I glance at my clock and groan. It's only four in the morning! Five more hours before I have to meet Allie's parents and... Magnus.

If he even wants to see me again. After the way I acted last night, I wouldn't want to see me either.

Before I can stop myself I pick up my phone and turn it on. While I wait for it to load I press my other hand against my forehead. I can only imagine what he's texted me after I left. I'll be lucky if he hadn't broken up with me.

My phone dings and I take a deep breath. Either there are a million texts and calls of him freaking out about me or only one of him dumping me. My phone dings again and I touch the screen. It lights up and I see that I only have one text. Not looking good for me...

I tap on the new text and see it's from Magnus.

**I'll pick you up in the morning. 8 ok?**

He sent it to me shortly after I left last night. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I should be happy but I'm not...

**Yeah, eight is fine. If you don't want to go I'll drive myself.**

I set my phone back on the table and roll over. I'm nearly asleep when my phone dings. What the hell?

**Y r u awake? Go to bed**

Annoyance bubbles inside of me.

**I can't sleep. I'll drive myself to go see them. Why are you awake?**

It takes way to long for him to reply. What is going on?

**I'm driving u. Be there 8**

My fingers move quickly across the keyboard.

**What are you doing?**

The clock ticks. Five minutes pass, and then ten.

**Magnus?**

I wait until it's six. Mom and dad are moving around in the room next to mine and I groan. He's probably asleep. But I have a bad feeling about this so...

I click on his name and slide it across to call him. It rings seven times and I let out a breath. He must be asleep. I get ready to leave a voicemail when it stops ringing and someone says something ineligible.

"Uh... Magnus?"

"No."

What the hell? "Can you give him the phone? Is he awake?"

"No and yes, sort of."

My eyes close and annoyance washes over me. "Just tell him I called please?"

I wait for him to say no but he doesn't say anything. Someone else groans and I think it's Magnus.

"Come on let's lay you down..."

What...

The other person groans again. It is Magnus...

"I'll see you later, Magnus. I'll put your phone down here." There's rustling and then his voice is clearer. "You should just leave Magnus alone, you think you're the right person for him? There's nothing about you that is good for him. He is - oomph!"

A tear drops from my eye and another follows it. I can hear more groans and moans. He's cheating on me. I can't believe this...

I would have rather had him break up with me. Make it easy.

Magnus moans again and I turn off my phone. I can't handle this... I can't...

I hear mom and dad open the door downstairs. Good, they're leaving. I get out of bed and crack open my door. There's silence coming from Jace, Isabelle, and Max's rooms so they must be asleep still. Max and Jace could sleep through anything but Izzy is a light sleeper.

I move as quietly as I can past Izzy's room and I step on a floorboard that squeaks. It's tempting to smack my forehead.

I press my ear against her door and I can hear her snores. Thank Raziel.

I move to the bathroom and I immediately look in the medicine cabinet. No they aren't there... I look in the shower and they aren't there either. Fuck, I have to go to mom and dad's room.

I walk slowly to their room and go into their bathroom. I can't find their razors either. And mom hides mine, as annoying as that is.

I can't take any of the kitchen knives, even if I washed it I wouldn't be comfortable letting anyone using it after...

Realization dawns on me, I got it. I go back to my room and pull a chair to my closet and climb up onto it. It only takes a second to pull the little box down from the shelf. I pull a pocket knife out of it. Thank you...

I move back into the bathroom and lock the door. My heart is pounding, I haven't felt the thrill in so long. Maybe just one cut, just one.

The blade opens and I watch as it slides against my forearm. It stings and I press my other hand against the wall, trying to hold back the groan. Just one more...

The blade slides into my arm again and again. Soon my arm is covered in cuts and my eyes are swimming. My legs feel like jelly but the pain and joy are overwhelming. I've never felt so amazing.

Blood drips on the floor and I pull out the bandages and expertly wrap my arm up. I just wanted one slice... maybe I went to far.

No, it felt good. I can take care of it this time, I won't go to far again. I'll be careful.

I clean up the blood on the floor and bag the trash. I need to be smart about it this time. I take the bag downstairs and put it in the garbage can. I can hear a car drive into our driveway and I peek out the window. It's mom's car!

I race up the stairs as fast as I can and rush to my room. I can see black spots in front of my eyes. I pull my jacket off of my doorknob and pull it on just as the door opens downstairs.

"Alexander? Why are you awake?"

I clear my throat before looking down at her, "I couldn't sleep, so I'm going to take a long shower and cook breakfast for the others before I have to go to Allie's grave."

She smiles sadly, "that sounds nice. Take care of yourself today, call me or your father if you need us."

I nod. She grabs a folder and goes back outside. A few seconds later I hear her car pull out of the driveway.

A sigh pushes out of my mouth and I walk into my room. I'll need to refill the medicine cabinet before anyone else looks for bandages, I'll do it later. I'm finally feeling tired.

My body feels like it weighs a thousand pounds as I fall into bed. My phone dings and I check it, there are four texts and a call from Magnus. I don't read the texts, I just type out that I'll see him in a couple hours.

I turn down the volume before turning over. I cradle my arm against my chest and I feel like I'm swimming in the pain.

The black spots won't go away from my eyes so I shut them. It feels so good.

I feel so good...


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: sorry everyone for the super long hiatus. I was going through some personal stuff but I'm back now and I'm going to try to get one or two chapters out every week from now on. Thank you all for holding in here and please read and review and enjoy. **

_Leave me out with the waste_

_This is not what I do_

_It's the wrong kind of place_

_To be thinking of you_

_It's the wrong time_

_For somebody New_

_It's a small crime_

_And I've got no excuse_

_\- 9 crimes - Damien Rice_

**Magnus POV:**

The ringtone on my phone goes off as my alarm and I groan out. My fingers blindly reach for my phone and press on the middle of the screen. The aggravating noise ends and I let out another deep groan. I should not have drunk so much last night.

There's a pounding deep in my brain and I know that I need aspirin, now.

I struggle to sit up and when I do someone shifts beside me. My eyes shut slowly before they open and turn towards the other side of my bed.

Ragnor is laying there. His shirt is off and one of his hands is on his belly and the other arm is over my side of the bed. I must have fallen asleep on his arm. Or... in his arms. Fuck.

I lift up the blanket and see that both of us are wearing boxers, but nothing else. I press my hands against my face and sigh. I don't remember what happened last night! I couldn't have slept with Ragnor, I could never cheat on Alec. I just got drunk, really drunk, and obviously Ragnor did too. He couldn't have driven home last night so he had to stay... yes that's it.

My phone dings and I grab it, hoping to see a text from Alec but there isn't one. It's just an email from one of my favorite fashion sites. I ignore it and go through my texts. I'm surprised to see some from Alec, and even more surprised that even though I was so drunk I was able to reply.

My stomach drops when I see I didn't answer his last few texts. My fingers fly across the screen to my call list and I see that he called me after the last few texts.

It isn't a missed call, I must have answered. I smack my forehead with my palm and immediately regret it as the pain in my head explodes. Why can't I remember?! I've been drunk many times over the last few years and I've never been so drunk I didn't remember it in the morning.

I stand up and gather clean dress clothes. I smell like I drank all night long, I need to shower before I go pick up Alec to go see Allie's parents.

As I pass Ragnor I shake him. "You gotta get up and go home. I'm leaving soon."

He groans and his eyes open. "Mmkay."

"Don't fall back asleep."

He sits up and presses his hand against his forehead, "I know, just let me get dressed."

I nod woodenly and make my way into my bathroom and lock the door behind me. I drop my clothes onto the counter and start the water before pressing Alec's name on my phone screen. Better face the music, who knows what my drunk ass idiot mouth said to him.

The phone rings on and on, and I wait for the voicemail to pick up.

"What do you want Magnus?"

Yeah... he's pissed. I can hear the anger and the pain in his voice.

"Say something or I'm hanging up."

"Don't hang up, please." I clear my throat. "I'll be over there soon and we can talk about last night after we go see Allie's mom and dad."

His voice is quiet, but the emotion has drained from it. "There's nothing to talk about."

Tears prick behind my eyes. "Don't say that. Please just let me explain. I don't even remember what I said to you last night."

Alec's tone has gone completely flat. "You didn't say anything to me. You were to busy."

"I... I don't remember what happened. I was-"

His voice is sharp, "fucking somebody else! That's what you were doing, I heard you. I stayed on the phone for a little while. But I couldn't take it so I hung up. I heard you and whoever that guy is moaning and and..."

His words fall away and we sit together in silence. Even through the phone I can hear him, feel him shaking.

It takes a few minutes but I finally manage to say, "Alexander... baby, please, I didn't sleep with him. I promise, it was nothing, whatever it was. I love you."

When he speaks its nothing more than a soft whisper. "Allie would want you there today, so do her parents. So you can come with us, but do not come to pick me up. And after today, we are done. Meet me at the house by nine."

My phone clicks and I realize he's hung up on me. I slowly get in the shower and turn it to the hottest heat level. It burns and by the time the water starts to get to a reasonable heat level my skin is red. I hurry through my usual routine and by the time I'm done I look like my usual magnificent self, but I don't feel like it. I feel like rot.

When I step back into my room I see Ragnor on my bed, his head in his hands. At least he got dressed.

"Ragnor."

His voice is muffled, "yeah, I know, I'm going."

"No.. do you remember what happened last night?"

His eyes tilt up. They are sad, and full of regret. "We were really drunk Magnus. I'm so sorry."

Not good. "What... all did we do? Please tell me all we did was make out." It's really bad, but maybe Alec would forgive me if it was just that...

Ragnor stands up and goes to pat my shoulder before thinking better of it and putting his hand back down at his side. "We... we had sex, Magnus."


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Hello everyone! Thank you all for the kind reviews and please keep reading and enjoying. I love this story and I'll try to keep getting out chapters for you all. This is probably going to be the saddest chapter yet, and there will be a slight amount of cussing, and angst. Please enjoy, and give reviews, they make me a happy writer.**

Hello there,

The angel from my nightmare,

The shadow in the background of the morgue.

The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley.

We can live like Jack and Sally

If we want.

Where you can always find me

And we'll have Halloween on Christmas.

And in the night we'll wish this never ends,

We'll wish this never ends.

(I miss you, miss you)

(I miss you, miss you)

Where are you?

And I'm so sorry.

I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight.

I need somebody and always

This sick strange darkness

Comes creeping on so haunting every time.

Blink 182 - I Miss You

**Alec POV:**

After I talked to Magnus I throw my phone onto my bed. How dare he ask for forgiveness as if he deserved it? He will never have it. He will never have me again. I was a fool to think that the local playboy could ever love me the way I love him. I don't give him exactly everything he wants.

Maybe... this is my fault... maybe I caused this somehow...

Tears prick behind my eyes and I try to will them away. God, he cheats on me and here I am, blaming myself for it. My phone buzzes and I almost don't grab it. It could be him. But maybe it's the masochist in me that picks up my phone anyways. I can't help the slight... disappointment when I see that it's Allie's mom instead of Magnus.

I answer it and press the phone against my ear. I think I say hello but the word comes out all jumbled.

"I know... I miss her too." Her voice is soft, broken. If her voice was something physical, it would be a beautiful, glass doll. With no imperfections. When Allie died, all the beautiful, perfect dolls in the world shattered into a million jagged pieces. Now her mother is a shell. As is her father. I wish I could say I am different but I can't. I am a shell.

I am broken too.

"Alexander? Hello?"

I clear my throat. "Sorry ma'am. How are you?" Be polite... always be polite...

She's quiet for a few minutes. If this wasn't such a sad time the dead silence would be funny.

"You know how I am." The words are hollow but also angry.

"I'm sorry." It's the best I can offer. How can I save her when I can't even save myself? I trace the inside of my wrist and instantly feel the deep pain there. I cut to deep again. I need to stop doing that...

She's still talking and I try to focus on her. "-and we know what this has been like for you."

"Do you?" It's out before I can reign it in. Those two words say everything and nothing at the same time. I can feel the outrage and sadness and heartbreak in my voice. In my heart. In my very bone and marrow.

I think she can feel it to because she is quiet again for a little bit longer. "Alec, we loved her too."

The laugh is ripped out of me but it is not a joyful one. "Then why can't you two keep your promises? Allie wanted you two to stay together. She wanted you to have another kid. And yeah, I knew that wouldn't happen. But your family was happy before Allie got sick. You all loved each other."

I expect her to chastise me, to yell at me, anything. She gives me the opposite. "Alec, sweetie, sometimes families break up when... when something like this happens."

The tears finally fall in warm lines down my cheeks. "But doesn't what she wanted matter?"

I don't cry often, and I know she doesn't know how to handle it. She knows I bottle everything up and now it is all coming out. When she speaks, her voice is shaky, "oh, baby, yes it does. We've thought long and hard about this. I don't think Allie would want us to be together if we aren't happy together anymore. And it breaks my heart, but it's true."

I clear my throat, "well, I'm not going to change your mind."

"No, you won't. And I'm sorry." At least she's honest.

The tears fall faster, "I'll see you soon."

Her voice is still soft, but hurt, "just... meet us at the grave and then we'll go out to... her spot."

Her spot. Where she died. "Okay."

"Will Magnus come?"

"See you soon." I hang up before she has time to say anything. She'll probably know soon enough that Magnus and I are having trouble.

There's a knock on my door and I quickly wipe away the tears before opening it. Izzy is standing on the landing, wiping her eyes. When she opens them she gets a good look at me and her face changes from sleepy to anger. "What happened?"

She has always been my annoying little sister, but I can say this. She is as fiercely protective of me as I am of her. I think about lying to her but her other ability is that she knows when I'm lying. "It's Magnus. And Allie's parents."

Her eyes soften, "the divorce. You have to know that they loved Allie. But love can't hold everything together. What happened with Magnus?"

Here we go... "he... he cheated on me."

If I wasn't so close to crying again I would have laughed as her eyes bugged out. She reigned in the shock and hit me with her best angry sister voice, "I'm gonna _murder _him." I half expected her to go all exorcist, head spinning, crazy on me. I could practically see the smoke pouring out of her ears.

"I don't want that."

Her dark eyes turn even darker, "you have no choice, I've made up my mind."

My lips tilt up into a real smile. "Come here."

When we were younger we would hug all of the time. We don't as much anymore but when we want one all we have to say is, 'come here' and the other one would know.

She is instantly sliding into my arms and I rest my chin on the top of her head. My eyes drift shut and I hold onto my sister and she holds onto me tightly. I hear Jace's door open and I ready myself for him to be rude about the hugfest but instead I feel his arms wrap around both of us. He stays there a moment before saying, "hold on, we need Max to join in on the depression hugfest."

A moment later all four of us are holding onto each other as tightly as we can. It's Jace who starts laughing first. Then Isabelle starts, and even Max is giggling. I can't help the chuckle that comes out of me and then we're all laughing harder. It's been far to long since all of us got together and just laughed like this.

It's Max who breaks away first to go back to bed. Jace pulls away but Isabelle stays at my side with her head tucked against my neck. Jace's smile slowly disappears. "So, what is going on?"

I clear my throat and slowly extract myself from Isabelle. "I'm late, I have to get going. Izzy can tell you."

She frowns. "I will. But you know Jace will be pissed."

Jace glances at me. "I'll be pissed about what?"

I make my way down the stairs and grab my keys off the table next to the front door. I'm outside and almost have the door closed when Jace's shout reaches me, "I'll fucking kill him!"

The smile is back on my face and I hear the door click. I stand there for a second before dashing towards my car. I get in and start it just as the front door of the house opens and Jace races out. I watch him in my rearview mirror as I drive down the driveway faster than he can run. When I get to the street I turn in the direction of the cemetery Allie lies in and keep driving.

It's not that I don't want to talk to Jace, it's just that I don't want to hear what he has to say about Magnus right now. I wish I could forget that I still love him. I wish I could stop loving him. But the love I feel runs deep. I always thought I loved Jace, but no, it was only Magnus. It might only ever be Magnus who I can love like that.

I don't know if I will ever trust anyone again like I trusted him.

The car moves as if on autopilot and when I get to the cemetery I see that that there are two cars close to Allie's grave. I pull up next to Magnus'. He gets out of his car and I follow his lead. I can feel his eyes on me but instead I'm staring at Allie's parents, standing in front of her grave. They are sobbing, and they are holding each other. Something that I haven't seen them do in many months.

I finally glance at Magnus and see that he looks a little bit more ragged than usual. He looks handsome like always, but his eyes are tinged with redness and his clothes are more dark than anything that I have ever seen him in. For once we look more alike than different.

His eyes meet mine and I can feel the pull that I always feel when he's near hit me. I want to stand next to him but I won't. I want to hold his hand and hug him and kiss him, but I won't. I owe him nothing. I thought he saved me before, last year. What he really did was take what he wanted from me, and then took what he wanted from someone else. How could I be so wrong about someone I love so much?

Allie's mom finally beckons us forward and I shut my eyes before stepping up to her to give her a gentle hug. Allie's dad pats me on the back before holding his hand out to Magnus. I pull away and look down at the grave. It's white and looks very well taken care of. Her name is etched into it with her favorite quote. I reach down and trace my fingers over her name. My heart beats fast, and I can feel someone's hand on my shoulder and another hand touching my arm. I shake them off, not to be rude but just... I don't want anyone to touch me while I'm with her.

We stand in front of the grave in silence. I close my eyes and try to feel her here but I can't. I don't know if I'm disappointed or relieved. Disappointed because I wanted to feel her, relieved because I didn't want her to be stuck here in this horrible world. I can't do this...

I turn back to Allie's mom and kiss her on the cheek. I step around her, "take as long as you need guys."

I don't wait for a response as I head back to my car. I can feel him behind me and when I grab the door handle he presses his hand against the door so I can't open it. I should probably try but I can't overpower him especially now that I've ruined my arms again. So I just look down at his hand.

"Look at me."

"No."

"Alexander, look at me."

"I said no."

He sighs. "We need to talk about this. Yell at me, get angry, just please don't shut me out. Let me explain."

Finally I look up and look into his eyes. Up close they look bloodshot, not their usual beautiful color. "There's nothing you can say."

He steps closer, our chests almost touching. "Please, Alec... I didn't... I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Then why did you do it?" I try to keep the hurt out of my voice but I can't quite do it.

His eyes shut before opening again. "I was drunk. I don't remember what happened or why I did it."

"That's real convenient."

I turn to walk away but he grabs my arm and jerks me back towards him, "Ah!"

He immediately lets go and his eyes go down to my arm, "no... you didn't."

Allie's parents are staring at us now but I just keep looking at Magnus.

I can see the tears at the corner of his eyes, "Alec tell me you didn't. You promised me that you wouldn't ever again."

My lips quiver but I keep my voice steady. "And you promised me that you loved me. Last night, you broke that promise."


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Thank you all for the amazing reviews for the last chapter! Here is the new chapter. Warnings include some language and self harm. There are also a couple of things at the end of this chapter that you won't be too happy about but they are necessary for the story and must be done. Again, thank you all for your support of this story.**

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere I would have followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I... will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye

\- Say Something - A Great Big World Feat Christina Aguilera

**Magnus POV:**

When Alec said that I didn't love him anymore it broke my heart. I have been in love before, but no one has ever made me as happy as him. No one can make me feel more than he can. I have never loved anyone as much as him. I will never love anyone as much as him.

I keep my eyes on his car as we make our way out to Allie's spot. I didn't say anything else about his arm. I know he cut. When I asked him his eyes widened and he looked ashamed before he hit me with the 'you don't love me' line.

I remember the first time that I saw his cuts. I was upset and angry. I wasn't angry at him, just that he would resort to that. I close my eyes briefly before opening them again. I can't help thinking about my mom and dad. They're both dead, and I went to a very dark place after mom died. I loved her more than anything in the world. How could I not have loved her so much?

She always knew the answer to everything. I wish that she could tell me what to do with Alec.

I know that I need to tell his parents. But he would never forgive me for that. They would have him committed again. But if I don't tell them he might hurt himself again.

It looks like I might lose him either way. I need to tell his parents.

I pull over onto the shoulder of the highway and pull out my phone. I click on Maryse's name and listen as it goes to voicemail. I figure this probably isn't the best thing to leave on voicemail so I hang up. I scroll down to Robert's name and again I get his voicemail. "Robert, call me back. It's about Alec."

I toss my phone back onto my seat and signal to get back onto the highway. He'll never forgive me...

The rest of the drive is uneventful and finally I'm pulling into the campground that ends with Allie's beach house and the spot where she died. Her parents car and Alec's are already in the driveway. Since I stopped on the highway I figured that they would get here first. Alec is waiting by his car and when I get out of mine he averts his eyes.

I've never felt more awkward as I step up to him. "You don't have to do this, you know?"

His eyes meet mine before looking at the beach where Allie's parents are already standing. "Yeah I do. I can't let them do this alone."

My fingers drift up to his left wrist against my own accord. He doesn't pull away and even lets me take hold of his sleeve. He lets me pull it up and I can see the bandages wrapped around his arm. I force back the tears and move my hand to his other wrist. He shakes his head.

"I only cut one arm. This is not as bad as it was before."

I clear my throat. "You're still hurting yourself. This isn't good for you."

His gaze moves to Allie's parents before coming back to me, "you have no right to tell me what is good for me or not. Let's go."

He marches down the hill towards Allie's parents and the beach and I have no choice but to follow him. Allie's mom hands me a white rose and another to Alec, she and Allie's dad have the other two. Simultaneously we all walk up to the water and lay the roses down in the water before stepping back.

We watch as the roses float out into the middle of the lake and begin drifting apart. I can't help the tears that slide down my cheeks. I feel an arm slide through mine and I look down to smile at Alec but instead I'm looking at Allie's mom. She smiles sadly and glances at Alec who has walked further down the beach with Allie's dad.

"He's cutting again isn't he?"

I could lie to her but it's not good for Alec if I do. "Yes. But as far as I know, he's only done it just this once. And honestly, it's my fault."

Her eyes widen, "why?"

I don't want to say it but I feel like I have to. "I cheated on him. I was really drunk and don't remember it though. I guess he heard it on the phone when he called me."

I'll give her credit, she doesn't get angry at me. But what is worse is her disappointed. "He loves you Magnus. He needs stability right now, and I don't think you are ready yet to give him that."

"But how long are we going to be in limbo? I've given him everything he's needed for a year. He isn't any closer to getting over... this." I wave my arm towards the lake and beach.

She smiles again. "It's a hard process. I can't give you a time period. He could feel this way for the rest of his life and no one could blame him because my daughter was all he felt like he truly had for their entire friendship. She loved him the way you love him. And on some level I know he loved her that way too. He feels guilty and angry and terrified all at the same time. He feels like if he lets her go it will feel like she never mattered enough to hold onto. I know these things because I see her..." her voice starts to break. "I see her in the sand and water here. I see her cute blonde hair with a pink streak through it. After she lost her hair, all I wanted to do was brush it one more time. I will never brush it though. I will never tell her to stop coloring her hair so much because her hair would fry again. I will never get to hold her in my arms again after she's had a nightmare. I will never... ever get to tell her I love her again, and to hear her say it back."

I can't say anything, I'm speechless. I can't help feeling guilty that I want Alec to get over Allie when I know now that this might be how he feels every day. And he might feel it for the rest of his life.

She dabs her eyes with her sleeve and I can see Alec and Allie's dad coming back towards us. "Magnus, you need to ask yourself if you can handle this. Be selfish this once and ask yourself if you can really handle this life. He will get better, but a piece of him will always belong to her. Can you live with that?"

"I don't know. I just... hoped that we could move on sometime."

"Love doesn't always work that way, Magnus. You have to take the bad with the good. I know you love him, and I know he loves you. Just think about the future that you want for yourself before trying to take care of him."

She steps over to her husband and they say goodbye to Alec before walking back up to their car. They get in and drive off and I'm left alone with Alec.

He looks up at me. "I love you."

It's not what I expect but I smile at him sadly. "I love you too. What happened with Ragnor, it will never happen again. I made a mistake."

He smiles back. "I know that you love me and what we have is amazing. I just don't know if I really fit in your world. You are a magnificent, shining star. I'm the black hole that will kill your light." The smile fades from my face and I can't help the shock but he continues on. "You cheated on me, and it hurts. I've never felt that kind of pain. I close myself off from everyone except you. I... don't want to break up. I want to try to forgive you. As for getting over Allie... This is me, I might never heal. Take it or leave it."

He is still angry but I can see the hope in his eyes. And as much as I want to pull him into my arms and beg for forgiveness again. I have to listen to Allie's mom. I love Alec, but the truth is...

"Alexander, I love you. I will always love you. I want to spend every day of my life with you. But you're wrong. I'm not that shining star. You are the star. You may not be shining right now but you are my star. Right now, I'm the black hole. I cheated. I broke your trust and I can't forgive myself for that. I hurt you. I think... that we need to try to fix ourselves right now. Let's make you shine and make me stop being the black hole. I think that you need some time away from me. I-"

"You're breaking up with me?" I can see the hurt in his eyes.

"No, baby, I just think we both need some space."

I regret those words the second they leave my mouth. His eyes don't tear up. They don't get angry. They're... a hollow shell. "Yeah, I get it."

I understand what he's feeling and I try to reach for him as he backs away. "Baby."

A tear rolls down his cheek, "don't."

I try to reach for him again and he jerks his arm away from me, "don't touch me!"

My arm falls back to my side. "I'm not breaking up with you. I talked to Allie's mom just now and she thinks that I need to spend some time thinking about what I really want. And I think that you do too. When Allie died you never recovered from it. And because of that we haven't moved on. I'm always going to be yours. But-"

"I'm done..."

I stop speaking and I look down at him. His eyes are back to being hollow. "I'm willing to try and forgive you. I want to be with you. I think that today was a step in the direction. When I went walking around the lake with Allie's dad, he convinced me to call my parents and tell them about cutting myself. They aren't happy, but they're going to be home when I get there. I know that I need help. I'm killing myself and I know that I have a lot to live for. I'm going inpatient at the hospital."

"Alec that's grea-" but he cuts me off.

"But it doesn't change anything between us. You've been drifting away from me for months. You think that you can heal me but you can't. You want me to forget Allie and go strolling through the future with you singing 'tra la la' but I can't."

My eyes shut before opening again. "I don't want you to forget her. I just want you to move on and not be as sad anymore."

"But it doesn't work like that. It's a long, hard process. I don't know if I can be saved from this feeling. But I'm going to try and save myself. You're right. You need to figure out if I'm worth taking into your future. And I need to know if... if I can really forgive you for what you did, I need to know if I really need you or if I'm leaning on you just because I know that you'll hold me up. When I get out of the hospital, I'll call you. I don't want to anchor you forever, I would prefer to... be your kite string. I want to help you fly and be the man I've always known you're supposed to be. I want to be better for you too. I love you, but I think that we need to break up, at least while I'm away. When I get back we can talk." He turns around and starts heading for his car but before he can get more than a few feet I grab a hold of his right arm.

"Alec I love you."

He turns to face me and he smiles with tears falling freely, "I love you too. The truth is, I can forgive you for sleeping with your friend because I don't think I would want to be with me either. Just... let's take some time to be alone."

This time I let him go and he walks up to his car, gets in, and drives away.

When I get home the Chairman comes up to me begging for food and I walk to the kitchen and put a scoop of dry cat food in his bowl. I go upstairs and through my bedroom until I get to my bed. It takes a few moments but I strip all of the sheets and blankets off. I won't keep any reminder of Ragnor here.

It wasn't until Alec really broke up with me that I realized that I was losing the best person that I have ever met. I know I complained about him, but the truth is, I just never wanted to let him down.

BANG! My fist hits the wall.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

I keep pounding the wall over and over again until my fist is wet. I didn't realize that I had closed my eyes until now and I open them. My knuckles are broken open and blood is running down my hand. I look at the wall and see that blood is also running down it.

I cradle my hand against my chest and walk to the bathroom. The pain is so intense. It doesn't take long to wrap my hand in bandages and when I'm done I sit down on the side of the bathtub. I cradle my head in my hands and finally... I let the sobs pour out of me. I don't know how long that I sit here crying but before long the tears stop. My eyes hurt and I know that they're probably red.

I push myself up and turn around to start the water, maybe a shower will do me some good, when I spot my razor. The idea hits me so quickly that I shove it away. I need to help Alec recover...

...But maybe I can't truly help him because I don't know what he feels when he hurts himself.

I try to stop myself as I pick up the razor. I try to keep myself from pulling up my shirt sleeve. I try to force myself to throw the razor into the bathtub but instead I press it against my bicep and press down.

I try to stop myself... but I can't.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Hello everyone! Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter. I know that you guys aren't happy that Magnus cut but it is essential for the story. This will be a less angsty chapter, which we've been needing for a while. Also I didn't write much about Alec's stay in the hospital, but everyone will now have their answers in this chapter! There will be a lot of discoveries, a long with a happier, slightly OOC Alec. **

**Warnings include some language and some naughty content. **

**This was a hard chapter to write since I've been so used to all of the upsetting chapters. So please enjoy and reviews are always appreciated!**

_Yeah, you can start over you can run free_

_You can find other fish in the sea_

_You can pretend it's meant to be_

_But you can't stay away from me_

_I can still hear you making that sound_

_Taking me down rolling on the ground_

_You can pretend that it was me_

_But no_

_Animals - Maroon 5_

**Alec POV:**

For the first time in a long time I don't feel out of place as I step into my house for the first time in seven weeks. I didn't expect anything to change. There are pictures on the walls of me and my siblings.

Dad pats my shoulder awkwardly, "let's go put the sheets on the fridge."

I look down at the papers in my hand. One of them is a list of the new medications that I have to take and how often I have to take them. Another is a description of my conditions and how to handle them positively instead of negatively like I used to. The last is of phone numbers and addresses of the hospital and my doctor just in case I have any problems.

Now I have to go to weekly counseling sessions for the next few months.

Dad puts his hand on my shoulder again, "are you okay?"

I nod weakly. I don't know if I'll ever be completely good, but I feel better than I have in a long time. Not as good as I felt before... her. But, still better.

I follow dad into the dining room and step back in shock as mom, Isabelle, Jace, Max, Allie's mom, and Magnus all jump out from underneath the table. "Welcome home!"

A chuckle pops out before I can stop it and soon enough everyone is laughing too. I take this chance to look around the room. There's a welcome home banner hanging from the ceiling and streamers and balloons on the walls. The table is covered with food.

Max comes over and wraps his little arms around me tightly. Even though I'm surprised I hug him back. Max usually hovers around Jace and Isabelle instead of me but it feels good to have him come to me.

Soon I'm being hugged by everyone, except for Magnus. And something tells me he's not because of the looks Isabelle and Jace keep throwing him. Obviously they have yet to forgive him for cheating on me.

Max grabs my hand after mom finally lets me go. "Mom and dad wouldn't let us open our Christmas presents until you came home. Can we do it now?"

I feel bad instantly. I was in the hospital on Christmas. They came to see me but it wasn't anything like usual. "Ask mom."

He turns his puppy dog eyes on mom and I know that even she is having trouble not giving him what he wants. "After we eat."

I'll give Max credit. He didn't whine or cry. But he was the first one to grab a plate. "Come on! Let's eat."

Everyone laughed and as they all lined up I walked into the kitchen. I pull off three magnets from the side and put the sheets of paper from my doctor up on the front. I run my finger over the word 'bipolar'. I know I've read the word over and over but I can't help but stare at it again. Based on what the doctors said, I've been bipolar my whole life, but it probably wasn't really triggered until Allie got sick.

My fingers slide down to 'depressive symptoms'. According to the family there were moments in my past where I had manic moments but most of the time I had depression symptoms instead. Sadness, anxiety, difficulty making decisions, and most importantly, the suicidal symptoms.

My hand drops to my side. I hate that I'm sick. I feel better but I know what the pills and therapies cover. I know what I am.

I feel someone's hand on my shoulder and I expect it's mom but the person pulls me back against their chest. His arms slide around my waist and his face presses against my neck. My eyes close and I feel myself completely lean into him. We stand there for a few minutes before I turn my head and open my eyes. Magnus' black hair is spiked up but there is no glitter in it. His jacket is a dark velvety purple and his pants are rainbow colored. He's... wearing the outfit he was wearing the day he gave me a ride from the party. The first time I tried to kill myself.

His eyes open slowly and before I can say anything he's pressing his lips against mine. I stay still for a few beats while his lips move against mine. Don't do this... we aren't together anymore...

His tongue presses against my lips and I open my mouth. He shifts so that he's in front of me and his tongue slowly slides against mine. I push mine against his and he groans into my mouth softly. His fingers slide up my back slowly, as if he's exploring my body for the first time.

Magnus pulls away and our eyes meet, "God, I missed you."

My heart is pounding against my chest and I need him to touch me more than I've ever needed anything else. "Kiss me, please. I need you."

He grabs the front of my shirt and pulls me back against him before his lips capture mine again. His hips press against mine and he kisses me more aggressively than he's ever done before.

He spins me around until I can feel the counter pressed against my back. His fingers grip my hips and he lifts me up onto the counter. I can't help the moan that is forced from my throat and my legs wrap around his waist.

Magnus kisses me deeper, his teeth gently bites into my bottom lip and my cock hardens until it's pressing painfully against my zipper. His hips thrust against mine slowly and I can feel his equally hard erection pressing against mine. One of his hands slides down to the front of my jeans and rubs me through them.

My moan is silenced by his mouth and I can feel a little bit of precum slide down my shaft. He pulls away and I whine softly, not even embarrassed by it. "Why are you stopping?"

He chuckles softly, "we're at your party. I think it would be inappropriate if I fucked you in your kitchen while your family was waiting in the other room."

All of a sudden I can hear Jace from the dining room, "you guys done yet?" Isabelle laughs along with him.

"No!" Magnus and I shout it at the same time which makes them laugh louder.

His eyes meet mine and I pull him in for a kiss, gentler than the ones before. To soon he pulls away and our foreheads touch. He speaks first, knowing that we have to talk about this. "So what does this mean for us?"

"I don't know. I really missed you. But I think we both still need a little bit of time to figure out what we want."

He pulls me off of the counter but he doesn't let me pull away. "I have a suggestion."

My lips pull up into a smile, "of course you do. What is it?"

He grins back at me, "let's go on a date tonight. Jace and Isabelle can go too."

My eyebrow rises, "you... want to take my brother and sister on a date with us?"

This time he laughs, "they know where I want to go tonight and I couldn't convince them to stay behind."

Oh this can not be good. "Where are we going?"

He grins again, "so will you date me again?"

His happiness is infectious and I can't help but smile again, "all I know is that when we were apart I missed you. I need you in my life. Thinking about you got me through a big part of my stay as inpatient at the hospital. I don't know if I've completely forgiven you, and I understand if you haven't completely forgiven me. But I love you. And we have things that we need to work out, but a... a couple of dates might help get us back on the right track. So yes, I'll uh... date you again."

I wish I could record his reaction and play it back for the rest of my life. His eyes light up in the most adorable way and before I know it I'm wrapped tightly in his arms. It's like a scene in some horrible romance movie, I look up and he looks down at the same exact moment and our lips touch. We kiss gently but passionately and his arms tighten around me.

"Hey!"

We jerk apart and look at the doorway to see Isabelle. She sounded angry but she's fighting to keep back a grin. "We've all finished eating and we're waiting for you two to come do presents with us."

My cheeks suddenly warm up, "please tell me you and Jace are the only ones who knew that we were making out."

She grins for real this time, "you two were in here forever. I think it's obvious to everyone that you guys were uh... making out."

I groan and smack my forehead, "oh God, please kill me now."

Her smile disappears and her eyes soften. I think about what I said and I reach out for her, "Iz, I'm sorry, I shouldn't ha-".

She smiles softly, "I really missed you." She clears her throat, "now let's go do presents before the big date!"

I roll my eyes but I follow her into the living room where everyone is waiting. Jace is grinning, mom and dad look uncomfortable, and surprisingly enough, Allie's mom is looking at me with a big smile. One that I haven't seen in over a year.

She looks like Allie...

Normally that thought would have killed me before. But this time, I can see the good. Allie would want her family to be happy.

Max grabs a present from under the tree that should have been taken down weeks ago. "It's time!"

I sit down on the couch in between Magnus and Allie's mom. They both take one of my hands and for once, I feel like I really belong.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: hey guys! Thank you for the lovely reviews. I'm glad that everyone liked the happier chapter last time. I felt like we barely had any happiness until that chapter. And I decided to give you all another one, it does get serious though towards the end. Now down to business! I had trouble deciding on a name for this story in the beginning and even changed it twice. I still don't feel like the title is the perfect title. So I was wondering if anyone would prefer if the stories title was "Saving Alec, Saving Magnus". I named it Saving Alec: Redemption because I thought that Alec is saved by Magnus and they redeem the mistakes they made before and now. The new title would reference that they save each other from things that have happened and have yet to happen. **

**So if you guys could, would you please pick a title you would prefer. This chapter is also my longest yet at nearly 4,000 words, yay!**

**Warnings for this chapter include some language and another naughty scene. I know Alec is kind of OOC right now, but I tried to do this chapter in a way that they haven't had sex in several months and he really, really wants Magnus like now. Enjoy and please review!**

You were a shock in the dark that blew me away

And you left your mark and it never will fade

You ignited a spark, let the fires away

Are you ready, ready?

You have a place in my heart that will always be yours

You are the peak and dark of my universe

Every piece and part, you were the first

I am ready, ready

It's above and beyond me, it's out of my hands

Your love drives me crazy, it's hard to understand just why

I want you to love me

"Why do you love me" - Adele

**Magnus POV:**

After Max, Isabelle, Jace, and Alec open their presents Max runs up to his room to read some manga book that Alec bought him before he went to the hospital. Jace and Isabelle follow him upstairs but before she gets all the way out of sight Isabelle gives me a wink. I know that she's going to work on mine and Alec's date surprise.

Alec is sitting in between me and Allie's mom but his side is pressed firmly against mine and I keep running my fingertips up and down his arm that is resting on my leg. He's not looking at me, instead he's in an intense conversation with Allie's mom. All of the adults are exchanging gifts and Allie's mom has a small box on her lap. There's tension in Alec's back and I can tell he's nervous that she won't like it.

As he sits up to see her expression when she opens the gift I lean forward with him. My lips touch his ear, "calm down, baby."

His cheeks instantly pink. "Oh Alec!"

My head jerks away from his and I look down at the box in Allie's mom's hand. It's a jewelry box and on the velvety cover there are two beautiful stones. They are earrings, and quite possibly the most beautiful ones I have ever seen. They are pink diamonds, and I can't understand why Alec was nervous. It's a beautiful gift, and anyone would be lucky to have gotten them from him.

Her misty eyes turn towards Alec, "are these the same ones?"

My eyes flicker towards Robert and Maryse, they can also see that this is a special, personal moment.

Alec looks at her, "Allie and I knew you loved them. Even though you acted like you didn't. It... Allie wanted us to get them for you someday. So I asked mom and dad for help to get them for you."

Her lips quiver and before I know it she's lunged into his arms and he holds her while she sobs against his chest. Robert and Maryse stand up and walk out of the room and I follow them. We clean up the dining room in silence. It doesn't take long, and I stand in the kitchen with my hands in the sink, washing off the dishes no matter how many times Robert and Maryse tell me that I don't have to do it.

Soon they leave the room and I stand by the counter, trying not to think about the fact that not even an hour ago I was dangerously close to ripping off Alec's clothes and fucking him despite his family being in the other damn room. My cock hardens at thought. I glare down at my clothed member and point at it before I can stop myself, "go down! This isn't the time!"

"Ahem."

My head jerks up and I see Alec in the doorway. His lips are turned up and I just know he heard and saw what I did. But instead I decide to play dumb. "I was just uh... I thought I dropped something on the floor." It takes everything not to facepalm myself. I can normally come up with something better than that.

He grins and as soon as he does my cock grows painfully harder and I know my breath is coming out in small gasps. He has never looked so happy, or so sexy, in the entire time I've known him.

He licks his lips, "I wish I could help you... find what you're looking for right now."

Gods yes, I'd do anything to have those lips wrapped tight around my member. "We can finish what we started later, after the date."

His eyes meet mine, it looks like those sexy blues are churning rapidly. "Or we can skip the date and we can go to your place right now. The party is over."

It's tempting, so fucking tempting. But I don't want to start the relationship off on the wrong foot this time. "Our first date this time is important. We're going. And then we can go back to my place."

He smirks in a very un-Alec kind of way, "I never have sex on the first date."

I match his smirk, "I guess I'm just going to have to seduce you away from that particular moral."

For the first time he looks at a loss for words and my eyes slide down his chest to his jeans. My smirk turns into a full on grin, it looks like he's rock hard in his pants. I quickly check the dining room to make sure no one is walking in before I slowly drag my hand up the front of his jeans. His eyes widen and he lets out a small moan, his hips rock against me and his cock jerks against my hand.

My lips find his ear, "shh. I'll take care of you tonight."

There are steps coming towards the kitchen and I quickly step back from him. I barely have myself in a seat, trying to look nonchalant before Allie's mom walks in. She doesn't say anything but as she looks back and forth between me and Alec, I can tell that she might know what she just walked in on.

"I'm going home now, just wanted to say bye."

Alec hugs her tightly, "I'll see you soon, hope you like your gift."

"I love it. I'll wear them every day."

The smile he gives her is dazzling. And the asshole part of me wishes he'd reserve that smile just for me... what am I doing? I'm being so selfish.

She turns towards me and wraps me in her arms. Before she pulls away her lips press against my ear, "if you hurt him, I will hunt you down and beat you with a shovel."

She pulls away and smiles before going back to the dining room and to the front door. I can hear her talking with Robert and Maryse.

When the hell did she get so unbelievably scary? She totally just went into mama bear mode over Alec and despite her words scaring me, I have a ton of respect for her.

Alec's cheeks are pink and I have a sinking suspicion that he heard what she said but he doesn't say anything. Instead he smiles, "so where are we going?"

"Lets go upstairs first."

Several hours later Alec, Jace, Isabelle and I are walking down the street towards Pandemonium. He obviously hasn't figured out yet that we're going there. I look down at his outfit disdainfully. I very carefully selected his outfit, Isabelle and I decided on getting him dark blue tight leather pants, a matching shirt that is shimmery and see through in certain spots, and black boots. It was to dark for me but I thought it was perfect for him. I topped it off by giving him the buckled jacket of mine that he wore on our first date. But of course...

Alec took one look at the outfit before going to rummage around in his closet. He decided on black jeans, a black t-shirt, and a very holey dark grey hoodie. Somehow I was able to get him to ditch the hoodie and wear my jacket. And miraculously I was able to get him to keep it open instead of buckled. We're making progress!

As we get closer to Pandemonium his body starts to stiffen, "no. Hell no. This is a really bad idea."

I grab his hand before he dashes back down the sidewalk, "we aren't going in the big section, we're going to the VIP room. Today's a weekday, there will barely be anyone in there. And if you're not ready, you and I can leave. I just want you to do something really fun tonight, with me and your brother and sister. I think this is a good step in the right direction. All I'm asking is for you to try."

He's silent for a minute before his blue eyes meet mine, "if I'm uncomfortable at all, we'll leave? Do you promise?"

I nod. I don't want him to feel unhappy or uncomfortable. I know being around so many people will be hard for him especially when he just got out of the hospital, but I want him to be happy again. And I really think that this will make him happy.

Jace and Isabelle are waiting a couple of buildings down, they keep shooting us looks, probably wondering what I am, if he'll agree.

Alec finally nods. "Just for a little bit... I'll go."

My fingers interlock with his and I pull him gently towards Jace and Isabelle. Soon we approach the line going into Pandemonium and I just lead them to the front. Luke, the bouncer, takes one look at us before he opens the door. Jace and Isabelle seem shocked, I'm sure even they have had to wait in line like everyone else. Not me though.

Still, I can't help the smirk as we walk into the building. As soon as we do we're hit by the noise and I can feel Alec starting to pull away. I keep my hold on him and lean down to shout in his ear, "it's okay! We're going upstairs!"

There are people everywhere, and I really hope I was right about there not being many people in the VIP room. I finally spot the door I want and practically drag Alec over to it, Jace and Isabelle following like little ducklings.

There's another bouncer at the door and he looks at Alec and the others. I can feel Alec tense up. "It's extra for them."

I nod, "they'll be good." I don't know about Jace and Isabelle but I know Alec will be.

The bouncer nods back before opening up the door. I lead the way and soon all four of us are in a short hallway. The door closes behind us and the loud music instantly disappears. Jace's eyebrow rises, "we'll be good?"

You're an idiot Blondie. "You will behave. I'm not getting kicked out because you don't know how to behave yourself."

Alec can tell that Jace is getting angry and he touches Jace's arm gently, "we're really lucky to have gotten in here because of Magnus. Don't do anything bad."

Jace, surprisingly, nods and before he says anything else I lead us down the hallway to another door. I open it and hold it open for the others.

I think even Alec is impressed. There's a bar in the middle of the room. Next to the bar on the right is a small dance floor with around twenty or thirty people already dancing. On the left of the bar are several fancy booths, all of the seats made out of fine leather. There are lights above each table that you can personally adjust to give off however amount of light you want.

The best part? The music doesn't blast your eardrums out. It's great music that's at a lower level than the other room.

Jace and Isabelle are both staring at the dance floor and I wave them towards it, this is a date after all. They both look at Alec and he smiles weakly. "I just want to sit for now, you guys go dance."

I look over at the tables and realize why. There isn't a single person sitting down. I try not to sigh, I know this is hard for him and I'm really proud that he even agreed to come in here. If he doesn't dance at all, I'll still be happy.

This time, he takes charge and leads me over to a table that's farthest from the dance floor. All of the lights are off on the other tables and I just barely turn ours on so it has a dateish atmosphere. We sit next to each other and watch the dancers for a little bit. The music is low and very slow, but sexy and it's interesting watching people grind against each other. Alec's eyes are moving back and forth among the people and I know he's looking for Jace and Isabelle.

I've already found them, and neither of them are dancing intimately with others, just dancing by themselves.

I pull Alec close to me. "They're fine. If anyone bothered those two, the person would get thrown out. We're all fine."

He nods before looking up at me, "why'd you want to bring them?"

"They make you more comfortable. I'm sure you wouldn't have come in here if they weren't with us."

He gives me his rare grin, "oh, I would have refused. They would have killed me if I didn't help get them into this room."

I chuckle and just like that we go back and forth, talking like we used to, before everything got to bad. I feel so light when I speak, like I can say everything and he would never judge me. He tells me about the hospital. There were other kids there, that had similar problems like his. He got along okay with them, but mostly he wanted his family back. He wanted me back. And I can't help the smile I get when he says it.

Soon our sides are completely pressed against each other and I have one of my arms around his shoulders. One of his is wrapped around my waist and our other hands are on the table, gripped in each other tightly.

Every time he starts to get quiet or nervous because of where we are I kiss him or touch him comfortably, and I love knowing that I can reign him back in to himself.

He looks out at the dance floor, "I'm surprised that they haven't come over here yet."

I chuckle, "I told them that they aren't allowed to disturb us."

His eyes widen, "how'd you convince them to stay away?"

"I said I'd get them kicked out of here and they both have wanted to get in this room since they started coming to Pandemonium."

He laughs at this and he takes a few moments before he responds, "I missed this. Having fun and talking. I'm sorry that we aren't dancing though, I'm just... not ready for that."

"I know. I'd rather do this with you anyways." My fingers cup his cheek and I pull his face up, his blue eyes are shining and I press my lips down against his. His lips taste sweet, and my fingertips splay into his hair. He presses his lips harder against mine suddenly and it's his tongue that pokes out to rub against my lips.

They instantly open and our tongues press against each other before I pull his bottom lip into my mouth, sucking on it. His moan is loud and drawn out, and I can vaguely feel one of his hands sliding up and into my hair. I think he's just going to touch it but instead he pulls on it roughly and I moan deeply back into Alec's mouth. I pull away and softly gasp, "God... Alexander..."

It takes a few seconds before I can open my eyes and look at him. His hair is slightly out of place and his eyes are shining brightly. Those gorgeous pink lips are slightly wet from the kiss and all I want to do is kiss him again, over and over for the rest of my life.

His eyes drop down to my lap and I know what he sees underneath my tight skinny jeans. My cock is hard as a rock, and I need friction, now. His eyes finally rise and I can see the mirth in them. "Do you have a problem?" His voice is husky, something he has never used with me and my cock jerks against my zipper and I moan.

My eyes go down to the front of his jeans and I grin, "you have the same problem I have."

I expect him to blush but instead he grins back, "I don't think I'll be able to wait until we get back to your place. I want you to touch me."

I'm completely shocked. Is he saying what I think he's saying? His fingers turn off the light and his lips press against my ear. "Will they be able to see us?"

Alec is starting to seriously turn me on more than I have ever been. Him just whispering in my ear is almost enough to make me cum in my pants now. "No..."

Alec, who has always let me lead in this department is slowly unzipping my pants under the table. A quick look at the dance floor tells me that Jace and Isabelle are still occupied and none of the other booths have people in them.

Fingers brushing the head of my cock bring me back to Alec and I buck my hips up sharply, "ah, Alec!"

Our eyes meet and I can just barely make out the blush on his cheeks, "shh, it's not that loud in here."

I nod before thrusting my hips up against his hand, "come on, please."

His breath comes out in short gasps and he slides his hand down my cock before coming up again. As he does my hand slides over to his pants and pulls down the zipper. His fingers grip my balls and I groan out softly from the pain and pleasure. I pull his member out from his hands and slide my hand up and down it slowly, trying to keep it at the same speed his hand is moving.

Alec's lips crush against mine and I jerk my cock up in his hand, some precum slides down to his hand and his motions quicken. Our groans get deeper and I slide my hand up to the head of his cock before barely brushing the slit at the top, knowing it's the most sensitive spot for him. He whines deeply and his hand stops, instead only thrusting his hips back and forth, trying to get as much friction against his cock as he can. I don't mind that he let me go, in fact...

I pull away from his mouth and I look in his eyes, "sit in my lap, facing me."

His cheeks turn even darker pink, "we... we can't have sex here."

My eye brow rises, "we probably shouldn't give hand jobs either but we are. Besides, when I fuck you tonight, and I will be fucking you tonight, it will be in my bed. This will just... ease the pressure a little bit. Or do you want that painful hard on to last all night?"

He gasps and even though I know he's unsure about this he straddles my lap. I look down at the table and I'm glad that he doesn't rise above it. If anyone looks over all they will be able to see is him in my lap, making out.

He whines softly and it pulls me out of my thoughts. I gently pull him forward until his cock is almost right on top of mine and he hisses when they touch. I press my fingers against his lips and he pulls them into his mouth. He quickly slides his tongue around the digits before I pull them out.

I check again to make sure no one is watching us before I slide my hand down the back of his jeans just as I wrap the other around both of our members. He hisses and thrusts his hips and I moan out softly, "just wait..."

I can tell he's feeling impatient and I press one of my fingers against his entrance. His mouth opens and I silence him with a deep kiss. My finger slides up and down against his crack until it finally loosens up enough for me to push my finger inside of him. I pull it almost all of the way out before slamming it in again.

His arms wrap around my neck and he kisses me back deeper while thrusting his hips back and forth, our cocks jerking against each other.

It doesn't take long before the second and third fingers are inside of him and it turns me on so much more to feel him fucking himself down on my fingers. Every time my fingers thrust inside of him they knock against the bundle of nerves that drive him crazy. Before I know it his tight walls begin to clench down on my fingers and I know he's close.

My hand, firmly wrapped around our members start to slide up and down them quickly, making us both moan deeply into each other's mouths. Our hips buck back and forth quicker and my fingers slide up against the bundle of nerves inside him hard. His walls clamp down on my fingers and a long, drawn out moan escapes his mouth into mine as he cums against my hand.

It only takes a couple more thrusts and my cum splashes against my hand as well.

He slowly pulls out of the kiss and looks down at me. He's trying to get his breath back and I feel like I never will. I've never had such an intense orgasm in my life, not even when we had sex any of the times we did.

I slowly pull my fingers out of him while I try to clean us up as well as I can he's pressing his head against mine. His breath has evened out and all I can do is look up into his gorgeous eyes.

All I can think is how did I get so lucky? I want this man to love me. But why does someone as precious as this beautiful Angel love me?


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: hey guys! Sorry for the late chapter. I have changed the title of this story because most of you wanted it. This chapter will have a sex scene, and then we will be getting back to the more serious stuff. I hope you all enjoy and reviews make me really happy! Thank you Intoxic, Guest, Soulelvi, and KayLovesBane for the amazing reviews.**

You're so supersonic

Wanna feel your powers

Stun me with your lasers

Your kiss is cosmic

Every move is magic

You're from a whole nother world

A different dimension

You open my eyes

And I'm ready to go

Lead me into the light

Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me

E.T. - Katy Perry

**Alec POV:**

Magnus' hands are lazily sliding up and down my back. My head is pressed against his shoulder and I tune out the music. I tune out everything except him. I can't believe that I wanted him to leave me. I can't believe that I wanted to be parted from him. But now I don't think that I could leave him even if I wanted to. He has a piece of me that I hadn't known I had given him.

He turns his head and kisses my temple. It's just a small brush of his lips against my skin but I can still feel it when he pulls away. I haven't been this happy in so long, if I ever have been. I can't help but go back to all of the bad times. Allie dying and the depression that it spiraled me down. I still feel that sadness, how can I not? I had Jace and Isabelle and my family but it didn't matter. Allie was who I wanted. I still don't understand the intense bond we had.

I loved her. She was my best friend, she always will be. But there's...

Magnus shifts under me and I pull my head off of his shoulder. "Do you want me to get off of you?"

I'm smaller than him but I'm still tall and probably too tall and heavy to be sitting on his lap for this long. Not waiting for him to answer, I start to slide off of his lap onto the seat but his hands clamp down on my hips and he keeps me on his lap. I look into his eyes and he smiles at me gently. "No, I want you to stay like this forever."

This time I can't help the blush that comes to my face. "I'm heavy."

He chuckles and runs his fingertips down my left cheek, "no you aren't. And even if you weren't, I'm very strong." He winks before pulling me back down so we're chest to chest. My head comes back to rest on his shoulder again. I know that I can take care of myself most of the time but I like it when he takes charge.

I love knowing that I'm safe with him, that if I need anything, he won't judge me.

The seat shifts again but it's not Magnus. I sit up and look at the other side of the booth. Isabelle is smirking at us, a glass in her hand. My eyes narrow, "tell me that is water."

Her dark eyes give me an impish look, "I can say that it is water..."

"...but I won't believe you." I finish her sentence for her. "One glass." I don't even want to know how she got it.

Her eyes widen this time, "for real?"

Magnus chuckles and I move off of his lap onto the booth. "Yes, just one. We're going to be ready to leave soon."

Magnus laughs this time and I can feel his breath against my ear, "getting a little excited for tonight are you?"

Before I can even think of an answer Izzy holds up a hand, "I don't want to know about this! I'm going to get Jace." Before she jumps up she downs whatever the drink is before marching towards the dance floor.

This time both of us laugh and he wraps an arm around me. "You're blushing, Alexander."

My lips pull up into a small smile, "I think she heard you."

His lips trail along my temple, burning my skin. "She knows that we're together again and she's happy for us. I can't say that I'm not excited that we're back to where we belong."

I look up into his eyes, "I belong with you." I mean it, I know it. I'm his, and he is mine.

Jace and Isabelle come back to the table. Jace growls, "can't we stay? We can walk home or get a ride from someone."

Before I or Magnus can speak it is Izzy who talks, "mom told Alec to bring us home. So we're leaving, now."

The rest of us are quiet for a minute. Isabelle Lightwood is listening to moms rules? It's unheard of. Jace just nods and Magnus chuckles again. Slowly we make our way out of the building and back to Magnus' car. The ride back to the house is quiet. I can see a light from the backseat, one of them must be texting.

When Magnus pulls down our driveway I can see that the lights are still on. Mom and dad are the kind of parents that stay up and wait for us at night. Even if we were gone til morning. Not saying that I didn't get my ass chewed out for being irresponsible and not getting them home but still... they love us. Even if the love is awkward and toxic sometimes.

Jace and Isabelle climb out as soon as the car stops. Jace immediately starts for the house, calling over his shoulder, "don't do anything that I wouldn't do."

Isabelle leans down and looks through my window at Magnus. "Take care of him." Her words nearly bring tears to my eyes. She has always been protective of me, and I of her. "Love you, Izzy. I'll be home in the morning." She finally steps from the car and Magnus drives back down the driveway. I keep her in my sights through the rearview mirror until he turns on to the street.

He glances at me, "sometimes it surprises me how accepting they are."

Not me. They love me, no matter what. How could I have thought it was okay to leave them?

We finally get to his house. Magnus takes my hand as soon as we're out of his car and we walk up to his front door. His other hand shakes slowly while he pushes in the key. He's... nervous. I am too, but how can someone as amazing as him be nervous?

He finally gets the door open and he lets me in first. The lights are already on and a little ball of fur immediately attacks my leg. I look down and see the Chairman. Magnus gently nudges him away, "you already had dinner. And Alec's mine tonight."

He laces his fingers with mine and pulls me towards his bedroom. As we walk I can see the muscles in his back tighten up. He's really nervous!

When we reach the bedroom he opens the door and I gasp.

The comforter on his bed is blue. On the bed are rose petals. There are unlit candles on the bedside table. He looks back at me. He's... this is why he was nervous. He didn't know if I would like this.

Magnus sits down on the bed and some of the petals shift. "I know the rose petals and candles are incredibly corny. And I don't want to rush you if you're not ready. I can take you home if you want. I-" I rush forward and press my lips against his in a hard kiss, not caring about what else he was about to say.

His fingers grip my hips and pulls me down to lay on top of him. I pull away from the kiss and look into his eyes, "I need this. I need you. I... I'm in love with you."

His eyes widen before he pulls me down into another kiss. He slowly flips me over so that I'm under him. His fingers slide up under my shirt and my stomach muscles tighten as his warm fingertips slide up my stomach to my chest. As his fingers brush my nipples my cock hardens until it's achingly full. "Magnus please..." I whimper.

He pulls my shirt off and as soon as my skin is exposed to the air his mouth latches onto my left nipple. While he sucks on it his leg nudges mine open and he slides in between them. The second our clothed cocks press against each other my back arches and I moan out his name.

Magnus bites my nipple before licking it to take the sting away. One of his hands comes down to rub my cock through my jeans and my head tilts back. "Magnus please!"

He chuckles around my nipple before pulling, "you already said that. What do you need baby? Tell me."

He moves to my other nipple and starts to suck on it hard, "ngh... I... I don't want to cum until you're in... inside of me."

His eyes drift up to mine and I can see them shining. "You don't want to cum more than once? Tell me what you need."

My cheeks pink and I stammer, "I... I want... God, I need you to fuck me right now!" My blush deepens and I try to hide my face.

He gasps softly and I look at him. His breath is coming out in sharp gasps. He unbuttons my pants and pulls them off of me swiftly, my boxers going with them. Suddenly I realize that I'm completely naked and he hasn't taken off his clothes yet. I look up at him and watch his eyes slowly make their way down my body, as if mapping it into his brain so that he won't forget it later.

To keep myself from covering myself I slowly unzip his jeans. As I slide them and his boxers down his thighs he kicks them off and pulls off his own shirt. He lowers himself down and our bodies touch chest to legs. His cock is hot and heavy against mine. His lips press against mine hard and our tongues tangle against each other. I moan out deeply.

I can't see him moving but I can feel his arm drifting over to his bedside table. He opens a bottle and the muscles in my thighs tighten. He keeps kissing me as his fingers slide against my hole. I gasp out loudly and he kisses me deeper. He presses one finger against my hole and rubs it in slow circles until I loosen up enough for him to slide his finger in up to his knuckle. I clamp down on his finger and he can't move it.

He rubs my cock with his other hand slowly. "Relax Alec. Let me in."

I try to relax my hole and finally he pushes his whole finger in. My head tilts back and eyes close as he thrusts his finger in and out of me. His other hand slides up my cock and strokes the tip, my hips jerk up and my breath stutters softly.

He slides another finger inside and scissors them, stretching me farther. He crooks his fingers and they brush up against my prostate. When they do my hips thrust up and down and my moans come out with sharp gasps. "Magnus please."

His cheeks are red, "I'm not done preparing you yet Alec."

His fingers spear inside of me faster and I groan loudly, "yes you are. In me, now. Now."

Magnus' eyes shut before opening and our eyes meet. His fingers pull out of me and he kisses up my stomach and chest almost painfully slowly. Our lips meet and my legs wrap around him automatically. I can feel his cock positioned at my hole and I can feel it quiver. He slides his tongue into my mouth as the head of his cock presses against me.

I moan out as it pushes past the muscles and slides inside of me. Magnus slowly pushes further inside, inch by inch, until I can feel his balls against my ass. He stops moving, his breath is coming out hard against my cheek. "Ngh... Alec..."

My heart is pounding and I know his is too. His eyes open and as ours meet he slides out and snaps back into me. My back arches and our chests brush against each other as he thrusts in and out of me at an agonizingly slow pace. Every time he slides into me he brushes against my prostate, making me thrust back against him wantonly. My moans come out louder and I'm making noises I feel like I should be embarrassed about but I can't help them.

His hips jerk erratically and his pace quickens. My eyes start to close and he growls, "look at me."

My eyes pop back open and precum slides down my cock. His arms are shaking slightly and I reach down to my cock but he pushes it away and his hand wraps around it instead. He jerks my cock in the same time he thrusts into me.

My thighs tighten around him and the urge to close my eyes is heavy but I know I can't. His cock slams into me hard and hits my prostate again. My eyes widen and my cock pulses in Magnus' hand, releasing a jet of cum against his chest. My thighs quiver against his hips and I can feel him thrust into me a couple more times before he cums, the hot liquid burning my insides.

Our eyes never leave each other. Another gush of his cum fills me and he leans down to kiss me gently, moaning into my mouth. When he pulls away his fingers trace the outside of my eyes. "I love you, Alexander. So much."

Unexpected tears prick my eyes, "I love you too." A tear slides down my cheek and he kisses it away so gently.

He pulls out of me and I hiss softly. I know that I'm going to feel the effects of tonight for a while but I really don't mind. He flips us over so that I'm laying on his chest. His fingers slide up and down my back slowly, caressing everywhere he can reach. His cheek presses against my head and I lay my head on his shoulder.

It's so calming. There's nothing he needs to say, there's nothing I need to say. We can just lay together and just be.

His breath becomes deeper and even. His chest rises and falls slowly and my lips tilt up slowly. He's got the perfect idea. I can't wait to sleep in his arms again, and wake up in them. My eyes drift shut before snapping open again.

I lift my head off of Magnus carefully. My eyes go down to his face to make sure that I haven't woken him up before looking at his arm. Across his bicep are three thin, white lines. They are such a horrible contrast to his beautiful tan skin. I did this to him.

I try to choke back a sob but part of it still comes out. Magnus groans in his sleep and his arms tighten around me. I know that I won't be able to pull out of his arms without waking him so I lay my head back down on his shoulder, my eyes zeroed in on his arm.

All I can think of is that I did this to him.

This is my fault...


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: Hey guys! Thank you everyone for the lovely reviews, I always appreciate them. This story is... the hardest story I have ever worked on. When you guys cried, believe me, I was crying with you. I definitely enjoyed the three happy chapters, we really needed them, but now it's time to get back to the angst and other horrible parts. This is the way this story was always going to go, and I know some people are going to be angry about the next couple chapters, but hang on to the story, things will get better at some point. There will probably only be seven or eight more chapters. So here's the new chapter and enjoy and review!**

I recognize the way you make me feel

It's hard to think that

You might not be real

I sense it now, the water's getting deep

I try to wash the pain away from me

Away from me

Cause you're everywhere to me

And when I close my eyes it's you I see

You're everything I know

That makes me believe

I'm not alone

Everywhere - Michelle Branch

**Magnus POV:**

_Beep beep beep. _

My eyes peel open and I glare at my cell phone. I should have turned it off last night. Something shifts and I turn onto my side, Alec's back is to me and I press up against him, my arms automatically wrapping around him. He makes a pleased noise and snuggles back against my chest. His breaths are deep and I try not to move, I don't want him to wake up.

My phone dings again and I force back the sigh. Maybe it's important.

Keeping one of my arms around Alec, I reach back blindly to the bedside table and pick up my phone. I open it and see that I have four missed calls and seven text messages. My eyebrow rises and I touch the screen for missed calls. There's a call from my lawyer, I'll call her back later, it's more than likely just a social call. The other three are from... Ragnor.

I quickly check my texts. There's one from my lawyer.

**Hey sweetie! Just seeing how you are, I talked to Judge Reigen and he was wondering how you're doing too. You haven't called either of us in awhile. Your therapist also checked in, he said you haven't been in in over a year. Please call me back.**

My eyes shut for a minute. I knew that they'd start bugging me again at some point. I skip to the other texts. They're all from Ragnor.

**Magnus call me**

**Mag please**

**I know you're angry about what happened but I need to talk to you**

**Magnus!**

**Call me when you get this**

**I need to tell you something**

I glance at Alec and see that he's still asleep. As much as I'd love to stay curled up around him, I do need to answer these texts and calls. I slowly disengage from Alec and get out of the bed. He sighs softly and I smile at his back. How did I ever find someone so perfect, so right for me?

He grumbles in his sleep as I slide on pants and I grin. I'll be back in a minute Alec.

I walk into my bathroom and shut the door behind me. My fingers scroll across my phone until I get to my lawyers number and press call. The phone rings three times before she picks up, "Magnus! How are you!?"

It takes everything not to groan at her overly cheerful voice. "I'm fine, Miss Bedel. What can I do for you?"

When she speaks this time her voice is sweet but has lost the cheer. I can picture her winding one of her curls around her finger. "Magnus we're practically family. You know that you can call me Lace right?"

My throat tightens. I should be more considerate of her. If it wasn't for her I'd more than likely be in prison right now. "Sorry Lace. What do you need?"

She hesitates. I can practically see her. Her eyes are a light honey color and always seem more impish than anything else. Even though she's thirty-one she's very short and has her soft, sweet voice so everyone thinks she's younger than she is. I can see her tugging on one of her curls again, a nervous habit.

"Lace come on."

She sighs softly. "You haven't called me in awhile. Or Judge Reigen. Or your therapist. We've all been worried."

I've been working on this answer for awhile. "I'm nineteen Lace. I'm not required to make weekly calls or even go to the therapist anymore."

Her voice goes softer, I can barely hear her. "No you're not. But I wish you would let us help you."

"Help me how? No one can fucking help me. I did what I did and no one can charge that. No one can make what I did go away." My voice rises with every word and I try to calm down. I need to be quiet.

She's quiet for a few moments. My heart races and I try to calm it down. When she speaks she's completely subdued, as if what I said wounded her specifically. "You survived Magnus. What you did was an accident."

The anger rises again and I grit my teeth. Don't say it...

"It was a horrible accident Magnus..."

Shut up!

"You would have died if you hadn't-"

I don't let her finish, all the anger pours out in a roar, "if I hadn't murdered my father!"

She finally stops talking but I'm not done. "I killed him, that's on me. Mom committed suicide and he couldn't handle it so he tried to kill me. I could have let him kill me but I didn't. He's dead and it's all mom's fault. She wasn't strong enough to stay alive for me. She didn't love me, she didn't kill herself because of what happened to her before I was born, she killed herself because of me! And dad tried to kill me because of what she did. So I fucking killed him first!"

My heart is pounding and I'm struggling to catch my breath. Lace is whispering words to me but I can't catch what they are. I close my eyes and it's as if I can see a movie behind my eyelids.

Finding my mom's body in our barn, hanging from the rafters. My dad screaming her name over and over. Her funeral. Dad telling me that he wasn't my real father. Dad telling me that mom was raped and that's how I was born. Dad telling me that I am a demon and mom killed herself because of me...

Dad taking me to the pond and pushing my face in the water...

The struggle... the pain... I fought back. I killed him.

"Magnus."

I blink.

"Magnus. He tried to hurt you, you defended yourself."

"Yeah I know."

Lace sighs softly, "I'm coming over."

"No don't worry. I'm fine. I really needed to let that out."

She sighs again, "will you call Reigen for me? And your therapist? I'm not saying you need to go see him again I'm just saying you really need to talk to someone about it. If not me than Reigen or your therapist."

My eyes drift towards the door. "I'll call Judge Reigen but not the therapist, I don't need to talk to him. I need to go, my boyfriend is here."

She gasps, "boyfriend! What's his name!?"

Her voice gets cheery again, not as overly so as earlier but still cheery. "Alexander. I need to go."

She sighs loudly, "fine. Call me back and call the judge. Love you dear!"

My lips quiver and I smile, "you too. See you." Before she can reply I turn off my phone. I'll get back to Ragnor later.

I have a sinking suspicion that Alec woke up when I was yelling at Lace. I should have had better control of my anger...

My fingers feel numb as I open the door.

Alec is sitting on the side of the bed. He's pulled on his clothes and his hands are clasped between his knees. They're shaking. His head is down. He looks like an angel...

I must have made a sound because his head jerks up and I'm staring into those blue eyes that always captivate me.

His lips quiver and before I can say anything he does, "you killed your dad?"

My spine is rigid and my stomach churns, "yes. In self-defense, but yes."

His hands shake harder, "I think I'm gonna go."

Before he can move I kneel in front of him and grip his shoulders, "please let me explain first. Let me tell you the whole story. If you still want to leave after I won't stop you."

He mumbles something but I can't understand him. "What?"

"Why did you cut yourself?" His eyes are watery.

Fuck... I wasn't even thinking about the scars last night. Or today. I've honestly barely thought about them at all. He saw them.

"Alexander..."

A tear slides down his cheek, "is it my fault?"

I can't answer him. Because I'm not even positive why I did it.


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: hey guys! I'm sorry for the late chapter, but I hope this one makes up for it. Warnings for this chapter are dark scenes including the mention of suicide and rape. You've all been excited to know what Magnus' story is, so here we go. I hope you all enjoy!**

You're the light, you're the night

You're the colour of my blood

You're the cure, you're the pain

You're the only thing I wanna touch

Never knew that it could mean so much, so much

You're the fear, I don't care

Cause I've never been so high

Follow me to the dark

Let me take you past our satellites

You can see the world you brought to life, to life

Love me like you do - Ellie Goulding

**Alec POV:**

Our silence is long and uncomfortable. Magnus is on his knees in front of me. His head lowered. His hands resting on my shoulders, every time I shift he grips me lightly. I let out a small breath of air.

He looks up at me before he stands slowly. I watch him sit in the chair next to his bed. His hands rub his face. I can't take it anymore.

"Did you cut because of me?"

Magnus looks at me again. "Yes, but it's not what you think."

A bubble of hysterical laughter forces its way out of me. "What way am I supposed to think? You have scars on your arm and you did it because of me."

His eyes meet mine, "tell me what you feel when cut?"

"I... why do you want to know that?"

He sighs softly, "just tell me."

It takes me a few moments to speak. "I feel free. It is painful but it also feels good. I feel high when I cut. There wasn't any feeling better back then. Cutting was the only way I could feel alive."

Magnus nods. "I wanted to know what you felt, to see if I could feel that way too. I didn't, I just thought it hurt like hell. But I did it to be closer to you."

So it is my fault... "okay, I understand. But you haven't cut since that first time right?"

He smiles grimly, "I promise. I felt horrible after what I did. You saw the rest of my body last night, no other scars. You can look again if you want."

I shake my head, I believe him. "About your dad..."

His eyes drift shut. I wait as he seems to think it over. His eyes open again but they look tired. "I need to tell you a story. Will you stay here and listen? When I'm done you can leave or stay, it's your choice."

I nod at him and he smiles weakly. It has to be hard for him. He leans forward in his chair and places his elbows on his knees. His breath shudders and I want to take it back, no, take away his pain. But I can't, and that kills me.

He sighs again and begins. "Twenty years ago is when this journey began. My mother met my father and fell in love with him almost instantly. They only dated for a month before my father proposed. She agreed and they got married shortly after. My grandparents on mom's side were pissed, they hated my father. She probably married him so quickly just to spite my grandparents. Anyways... three weeks after they got married, my mother was raped by my real father."

My head snaps up and my eyes widen. "She was raped?"

Magnus' eyes tear up, "yes. It's how I was born." He chokes up and I push myself off of his bed. I kneel down onto my knees in front of him and press my hand against his cheek, his tears slide over it. His eyes meet mine and before we know it he falls into my arms, sobbing.

My hands slide up and down his back slowly while he tries to speak again, "I wasn't to-told until I was older. Aft-after mom-" he he chokes again on his tears and I pull away enough to take his face in my hands. "Baby, stop talking."

Magnus sobs again and I pull him back against my chest. His fingers grip my shirt as tightly as he can while he sobs. My hands slide through his hair and I press my lips against his forehead. He keeps crying but slowly he stops sobbing, going slack in my arms. He pulls away from me and wipes his eyes. My own eyes are wet and it takes all I can not to sob myself when I see his red eyes.

He leans back against the chair and I move to sit next to him, without saying anything he picks up one of my hands and holds it in his lap. He lips quiver and open but I speak over him, "you don't need to say anymore. I don't need to know."

He smiles lightly. "You're the love of my life. You need to know me. Every piece of me. You might not be able to love me after I tell you what I did."

I pull his hand up to my lips and kiss it, "you know I will always love you. If you need to tell me, than tell me."

He nods slowly and I watch his eyes glass over. His voice is quiet. "So my mom was raped by my birth father but she never said anything. She loved me, so much. But one day when I was fourteen everything changed. My lawyer told me later that's when she took a DNA test for me. She lied to herself for years, she saw herself and claimed she saw dad in me. Until one day she saw her rapist instead. She hated me after she found out but never told me the truth. We lived on a farm that she inherited when my grandpa died. I loved the farm, even though we had enough money at the time to live in the city instead. I loved that farm. Until dad and I found mom... hanging from the rafters."

I gasp and I watch a tear slip from one of Magnus' eyes. "She killed herself?"

He looks at me, "yes. She hated me so much she killed herself. After the funeral dad and I went back to the farm. He told me that I was an evil monster just like my real father. He told me that my mother had been raped and that man was my father. He asked me to walk down to the pond with him. I did. He was drunk and saying a bunch of crazy things like I'm a demon and I'm Satan and things like that. He was holding his beer bottle in one hand and with his other he forced me down onto my knees and pushed my head into the water."

Magnus' quiets down and I can't push away my shock. "I'm so sorry. You can stop, I want you to stop. This is hurting you."

He sighs, "I'm almost done. My father was drunk and couldn't hold me down. If he hadn't been drunk he would have been able to drown me. Instead it turned out very different. I was able to force him off of me and he stumbled back. He dropped his beer when he fell back and I picked it up. He... came at me again and I hit him in the head with the bottle. It broke and I got glass in his head. He fell to the ground and I was in shock, it took me forever to get back to the house. I called the police. My father died in the hospital. My lawyer got me off, it was self defense. I had to have counseling until I turned eighteen. My court judge even talks to me occasionally."

He slumps against my side and I slide my arms around him. "It's okay... I got you."

Magnus presses his face against my shoulder, his voice is muffled when he speaks, "other than the police, the therapist, the judge, and my lawyer I haven't told anyone."

A few tears fall from my eyes and I shudder, "Magnus..."

He lifts his head from my shoulder, his eyes shiny and red, "if you still want to leave, please go. I know I'm a monster, I could have let him kill me. I could have ran away from him but I didn't. If you are disgusted by me I-"

I press my lips against his, silencing him. His lips are warm and wet, I can feel his fingers shaking slightly from their grip on my shirt. When I pull away his eyes are closed. My fingertips gently stroke over his eyelids and they flutter.

"Magnus, I love you. You're the love of my life too."

His eyes open and ours meet. His lips quiver, "you won't leave me for this?"

My lips tilt up into a small smile, "I will never leave you, I love you."


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: Thank you guys for the amazing reviews, they keep me going. I have come to really love writing this story. This story probably has about six chapters left, but don't worry, if you love my Malec stories I am about to start writing a new one. I won't tell anyone what the story is about yet, but I will be posting the first chapter probably within the next month or so. I will also be finishing The Last Institute on the Left within the next month too. If you are also into True Blood or Mass Effect I am planning a story for both of them, so you'll all be seeing quite a few new things from me. **

**Sorry for the long authors note, here's the new chapter. This will be the biggest chapter so far, and probably the saddest. Warnings include some language and character death. **

I can't help but be wrong in the dark

Cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts

I can't help but want oceans to part

Cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts

I can't help but love you

Even though I try not to

I can't help but want you

I know that I'd die without you

War of Hearts - Ruelle

**Magnus POV:**

Alec is sliding his hands up and down my back while I'm laying in his arms. How did we switch our positions so quickly? It's usually me trying to comfort him, not the other way around. I have never needed anyone else's strength. I've never wanted it. But there's nothing better right now than to be laying in his arms. Okay, maybe more like uncomfortably laying in his lap.

His fingers stop moving and I sit up before looking in his eyes. Does he really still love me? I always told myself that I would never tell anyone about what happened to my parents. I told myself that I would never go back to that day. But that was illogical thinking. It's always been with me. Maybe that's why I was always interested in Alec.

He always looked liked he was in pain. He tried to cover up his pain but I could always see it. Maybe because I always felt my own pain but never wanted to show it.

Alec's head tilts, he's confused. "Are you okay now, Magnus?"

I can't help the small smile that my lips form, "I'm fine. I... I haven't told anyone before. I've talked to my lawyer and therapist and the judge from the case about it but no one else. You're the first person I've trusted enough to talk about it to."

His eyes shine, it's hard not to just fall into them. "You can always trust me."

I hook my fingers under his chin and pull his face towards mine, gently kissing him. My other arm wraps around his back and I pull him tighter against me. His fingers slide up and down my chest while I run my tongue along his lower lip. Instead of opening his lips he pulls away, chuckling softly.

A very non manly whine escapes me and I pout at him playfully, "come on, you don't have school, I don't have anything else to do. How about we just stay in bed all day?"

He smiles at me sweetly and I know I won't be getting what I want. "I forgot my pills at home. And mom wants me to take Max to the mall later. But... we'll compromise. I'll pack clothes and spend a couple days over here. Mom and dad got me out of school this week."

Yes! I pull him close for another kiss before standing up, pulling him up with me. "That'll have to do. I can't wait til you graduate."

His head tilts again, "why?"

Oh boy, he can be so smart most of the time but sometimes he can be so dense. "Well I was thinking, if you want to, that you can move in with me after you graduate."

His cheeks turn pink and he lowers his head, "you're asking six months early. What if you don't want to by then?"

My eyebrow rises, "something tells me that I won't feel that way. I love you, and when I love someone I never let them go. You're going to have to put up with me forever."

He slides his hands into mine and squeezes them gently. "I'm looking forward to our forever."

I squeeze his hands back before sliding my fingers up his arms. "Are you sure I'm what you want? I wouldn't blame you if you want to leave after what I told you today. It's huge and a hard situation. I took someone's life."

His head lowers, "I know. But the thing is... I'm not perfect either. I've done things that should have made you run. But you never have. You've stuck by my side for over a year. What kind of person would I be if I left you after you told me the deepest, darkest secret you've ever kept. Magnus I only survived after Allie died because of you. I'd be dead without you and I'm not exaggerating. You are the only thing that got me through. You have seen me at my worst and at my best. I love you, and that means that I will be there for you. For your worst and for your best. What happened to you was your past. I want to be your future. Okay?"

I don't want to start crying again but I can't keep my tears from prickling the back of my eyes. "Okay. I want you to be my future. You're the best part of me."

He smiles lightly, "and you're the best part of me." His phone dings and he looks at the screen. "My mom's about to pull up. I'll be back tonight I promise."

We kiss and I watch him walk out of my room. I wait a couple of minutes before I pull out my phone and turn it on. I have another text from Ragnor.

**Magnus call me it's important!**

And one from Lace.

**You didn't tell me that you had a boyfriend! Alexander, such a handsome name. Send me a picture!**

I roll my eyes. Sometimes she acts like someone my age. I click out of her messages. I'll just pretend that I didn't get that message. I go back to Ragnor's name and press the call button. We haven't spoken since I cheated on Alec, and our friendship will never be the same, but I will give him this olive branch.

The phone only rings a couple of times before he answers, out of breath, "Magnus!"

"What do you need?" I keep my tone clipped.

"We need to talk about what happened." His voice is high pitched, something he has never been as long as I've known him.

"No, I don't think that's a good idea. It happened, it almost broke Alec and I up, but it doesn't matter anymore. Look, I really need to go."

"Magnus."

"No. You're my best friend and I care about you. But I need some space from you. It's partly my fault and I got that. So just give me some time. Bye."

"Magnus wait-" I hang up on him and scroll up to Lace's name. I push on the call button and press the phone against my ear. She answers on the first ring.

"Tell me about him!"

I snort. She is so ridiculous. "His name is Alexander. We call him Alec. He's nineteen. He's very special to me and I love him. That's all you need to know."

I can practically hear her pouting. "Have you told him that you love him?"

"Yes I have."

"Has he said it back?"

"Yes Lace."

"Aww!" She stretches out her awes far to long. "Send me a picture."

Almost every boyfriend or girlfriend I've ever had, I'd send her a picture. I haven't taken any of Alec, he wouldn't pose for a picture, ever. "Uh... I'll try to take one of him without him knowing. He doesn't exactly like taking pictures."

She sighs loudly, "oh fine. Anyways, I wanted to know if you could call Judge Reigen. He was asking about you the other day."

"You asked me that earlier. Are you guys really that worried?"

"Yes. We care about you. We're all worried."

I try to force back a sigh, they do mean well. "I promise you that I'll call him and my therapist. Is that all you needed?"

She giggles, "yes. I just needed a cover to ask you about Alexander."

"Alec."

"What?"

"We call him Alec, not Alexander." Not entirely true, I prefer to call him Alexander.

"Yes, Alec." My phone beeps and I look at it. Ragnor is calling again. "Damnit."

"What?"

I sigh. "Someone is calling me and I don't want to talk to him."

"Why not? Do you need me to do something?"

Lawyer mode Lace! "No I'm fine. I just did something bad with him."

"Bad as in what?"

"Lace, it's fine."

"Magnus, what did you do?" Angry lawyer voice, jeez.

"I... cheated on Alec with him."

She's quiet for a minute. "You did not."

"I was drunk!"

"I don't care! You better be making it up to your boyfriend forever."

I sigh again, "yes ma'am. We're doing great now."

She's quiet, I can almost hear the cogs in her brain spin, "good. I need to get back to work on a case, you will call the judge right?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Stop calling me ma'am. You make me feel like an old lady."

My lips tilt up, "I'm sorry. Good luck on your case, Lace, I'll talk to you later."

"Bye sweetie."

"Bye Lace." I cancel the call just as Ragnor's name pops up again in a call. Frustration fills me and I accept the call, "Ragnor, you're really starting to piss me off."

"Magnus please just let me say one thing."

"Fine. Say it."

"I... I..."

"Ragnor fucking say it!"

"We..." I can hear him swallow. "We didn't have sex."

My heart speeds up, "excuse me?"

He swallows again, "I remember what happened. All we did was make out. You fell asleep while we were kissing."

"I need to go."

"Magnus please."

"Ragnor, I need to tell Alec." He's forgiven me, but he needs to know the real truth.

Ragnor's voice is still high pitched, "I'm so sorry."

"Forget it. We'll talk later. Bye."

Before he can answer I hang up on him and call Alec. His phone goes to voicemail and I leave him one.

I sit down on my bed, switching my phone from hand to hand, waiting for Alec's call. I wait for over an hour, constantly checking my phone. I can't believe that Ragnor called me about this. He could have made me believe that I cheated on Alec forever. Or... did he know all along? Did he lie to me that day? No... he wouldn't. He would never do that to me.

My phone rings and I see it's Alec. I answer it, "Alec I need to tell you something baby."

Alec's breath is coming out sharply, I can hear the tears in his voice. "Oh my God! Oh my God please no."

"Alec calm down what's wrong?"

He gasps, "Magnus! I-I-I need help."

My heart is pounding against my rib cage so hard I can barely breathe, "where are you? I'm coming to you."

He gasps louder and he starts hyperventilating, "no you can't! You'll hate me!"

I can hear sirens growing louder from his phone. "Alec, were you in an accident? You need to calm down, the police are coming to you."

He speaks but I can't understand him over his tears. "Alexander it's okay baby. You're going to be fine."

"Oh God. No I... I hurt him."

My eyes shut. The sirens are the only thing I can hear. He must have been in a car accident. "Alec just take care of yourself. Just breathe."

Alec wails, "I think I killed him!"

I start shaking, "you need to get to the hospital first. Let the cops worry about the other driver."

I can hear someone on the other end telling Alec to get off his phone because he needed to go to the hospital. "Alec I'm going to call your parents and I'll be at the hospital soon!"

"I killed him!"

The tears start falling from my eyes, "Alec-"

"I killed Max! It's Max! He's dead, I killed my brother!"


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: hey guys! I know some people probably aren't happy with the ending of the last chapter and believe me, I was unhappy with myself. But I've been planning the death of that character since I was writing Saving Alec. The beginning of this chapter may confuse you, the chapter starts when Alec is getting picked up from Magnus' house. I decided that we need to see Alec's reactions to the death more up close and personal. I hope you all enjoy and reviews make my day. Warnings include some language and character death. Enjoy!**

_Most of my boys are with me_

_Some are still out seeking glory_

_And some I had to leave behind_

_My brother, I'm still sorry_

7 years - Lukas Graham

**Alec POV:**

Before walking out of the door to Magnus' house I try to keep the grin off of my face. I felt so obvious in front of Jace and Isabelle last night, the last thing I need is mom seeing me with a shit eating grin on my face.

When I get to the car I can see Max sitting behind mom. His face is buried in a book, probably some manga. I open my door and get in.

"Hi baby."

"Hey mom. Hi Max."

Silence. "Max Lightwood."

"Let me finish this chapter."

"Max, just say hello to your brother."

"Hello Alec."

"Hello Max." I look back at him and see his face in his book.

"Alec I'm going to drive to my work and then you can drive your brother to the mall. I already gave your brother money so don't let him con you into buying more books than he can get with his allowance."

"Yes ma'am." I already know that I'm going to be buying Max a few more books than he can afford. He always asks me to take him to the book store, he knows I'm a big softy when it comes to him.

The drive is quiet, when we finally get to moms work she and I both get out. Before she hands me her keys she gives me a soft look, "we... we're having a family dinner tonight. Your dad and I thought it would be a good thing to do now that..."

Now that I'm sick, I got it. "Do you want us to pick you up after the mall?"

"No. Your father will. Be back by five." Her lips quiver slightly before she firms them. "Have a good time. I love you."

"I love you too mom." I'm surprised. I've probably told her that less than ten times the entire time I've been alive.

Her lips quiver again. "Alec I..."

"What mom?"

"Are you really doing better? Like are you happy again?"

My eyes shut and I keep them closed for a few moments before opening them again. "I'm good. I'm not going to say this is going to be easy, I know it will have hard moments. But I feel happier now than I ever have."

She smiles, "promise me that you'll tell me if you have any problems, please?"

"I promise."

"Okay." She wraps her arms around me slowly and I hug her back. "I better go in. Remember-"

"Don't spend any of my money on Max's addiction, I got it." I'd cross my fingers behind my back but I don't think she'd take that very well.

I watch her walk towards the door to her work before I get into the drivers seat. "You ready to go buddy?"

"Yes."

"What are you reading anyways?" I start the car and pull out of the parking lot.

"It's Death Note. I just need the last book to finish it. I'll get it done tonight! What do you think is gonna happen?"

Beats me. I've never read it, even though Max has begged me a million times to start. Maybe I'll let him show me the first book. "Maybe the guy you like so much will die?"

"No way! He dies in the movie though."

"There's a movie?"

He scoffs. "Yeah. And an anime. Will you watch them with me?"

"Well..." I do owe him quite a bit of time after dealing with all my shit this last year. "I suppose. How bout we watch the movie first though?"

"Yeah!"

I grin, "how long is it?" We can watch it before I go back to Magnus tonight.

"Well..."

Oh shit. He's gonna say four hours or something. "How long?"

"Well there's more than one movie. We have to watch them all. Please Alec."

My phone buzzes and I pick it up from the dashboard. It's a voicemail from Magnus. "Yeah Max. I'll watch them."

We're approaching a green light so I push the screen on my phone to listen to my message. As I press the phone to my ear we drive through the light and -

My eyes are closed. I can feel water running down the left side of my head. My eyelids are heavy and I can't seem to open them. There's a ringing in my ears. I finally manage to open my eyes.

The front of the car is scrunched in. My eyes drift to the right. There is no passengers side seat anymore. In its place is the remains of the door and the hood of a truck. I look to the left and see blood running down the busted window. My blood... not water.

"Max..." My voice comes out gravely. I clear my throat, "Max just say something."

There's a siren coming towards us. I'm able to unbuckle my seatbelt and open my door. When I stand up I pitch forward and vomit on the ground. I stare down at the blood in my vomit for a moment before turning towards Max's door. There's blood all over his window...

I can hear people shouting, screaming, but I only have eyes for Max. I open the door quickly and I reach in to unbuckle him. He's motionless and I look at his face. He's got blood running down his cheeks, but that's not what I'm focused on. His neck is at an odd angle, I gently touch it. He doesn't move.

"Max..."

His fingers are wrapped around his book. We got hit so fast... he never even dropped his book.

I reach into the front seat blindly for my phone and call Magnus. My tears are falling fast, my other hand is on Max's neck, looking for a pulse.

"Magnus answers on two rings, "Alec I need to tell you something baby."

"Oh my God! Oh my God please no!" I gasp and I can feel hands on my back but I pull away.

"Alec calm down-"

"Magnus I-I-I need help."

"Where are you? I'm coming to you."

No! He can't see this! "No. You can't." I start gasping and hyperventilating. Blood drips from the edges of my lips. "You'll hate me."

A hand tries to pull my phone away. "Sir you need medical attention."

"Alec, were you in an accident? You need to calm down, the police are coming to you."

I can hear the sirens behind me, I look around. There are cops checking out the other driver. There's a paramedic holding onto my arm, he's the one who told me I need help. There's one sitting next to me, checking on Max. I try to speak but the blood is making it difficult.

The paramedic grabs my phone and I pull back weakly. "Alexander it's okay baby. You're going to be fine."

"Oh God. No I... I hurt him."

Magnus speaks again but I can't hear him, "I think I killed him!"

I feel hands pulling me away from the car. I'm laid down on a stretcher and I watch someone pick my brother up and put him on one too.

There are three ambulances and I watch one get closer to me. A blonde haired woman looks down on me, "I need your phone sweetie. We're taking you to the hospital." I barely register that they have me strapped in so I can't move with the exception of my arm holding my phone.

"-I'll be at the hospital soon."

I try to shout but it comes out as a whisper, "I killed Max! It's Max. He's dead, I killed my brother!"

The blonde woman runs a hand through my hair as she pulls my phone from me. "We're ready."

I can hear the door slam behind me and my eyes close. Don't let me wake up again, please, I don't want to wake up.


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: hey guys! Here's the new chapter, I'm going to try to get the next one out tomorrow too since its been so long since I posted last. Thank you everyone for keeping up with my story and please keep reading and reviewing, it makes me a happy writer. Enjoy!**

_Hands, put your empty hands in mine_

_And scars, show me all the scars you hide_

_And hey, if your wings are broken_

_Please take mine so yours can open too_

_Cause I'm gonna stand by you_

_Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes_

_And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I_

_And, love, if your wings are broken_

_Borrow mine til yours can open too_

_Cause I'm gonna stand by you_

_Stand by you - Rachel Platten_

**Magnus POV:**

You know how in the movies when something super dramatic is happening, like a horrible car accident, and people run in slow motion? I always laughed at those scenes. Life doesn't slow down for you just because something horrible happened to you. Life isn't that simple, life is hard. But in this moment, I wish life would slow down.

I wish I kept him in my arms just a little bit longer. I wish he never left my house. I wish he never got in that car. I wish...

Jace is sitting on my left and Isabelle is next to him. I know if I look at them I won't be able to keep my tears back. One of them is sniffling, I don't know which, maybe both. My fingers are wrapped so tightly around the armrests of my seat that they are white. Light tremors are going up and down my body.

My eyes drift up across the room. Robert and Maryse are facing each other, Roberts hands are gripping her shoulders. I've never seen them this close before...

It killed me to call them. It killed me to say that Max might be dead. And Alec... he was getting better. If he survives and Max doesn't it will destroy him.

Fingers wrap around mine and I look up. Jace's eyes are looking back at me. His other hand is holding Isabelle's. I nod briefly before looking away. I can't look at them, I can't say anything. How do I explain what my last conversation with him was? How do I say that Alec thinks he might have killed Max. What happened in the accident?

No! It wasn't his fault. No matter what happened.

A doctor steps into the waiting room and motions to Robert and Maryse. Jace starts to rise but I squeeze his hand. He looks down at me and I shake my head. Their parents need to hear this, whatever it is alone. "Sit down, Jace."

Instead of fighting me he sits but he keeps his eyes on Robert and Maryse. They have stepped out of the waiting room but the wall is see through so we can still see them. Please... please tell them Alec and Max are both alive.

Even from here I can see Maryse's shoulders begin to shake. Robert wraps an arm around her just as she starts to fall to the floor, "no! No God, please no! Please!"

A tear slides down my cheek and Jace's hand starts shaking. I can't look at them. My eyes slide around the room, the other people in here are pointedly not looking at Robert and Maryse or us. They're trying to be polite, but they're hoping that they don't wind up like us. Being told the worse news possible.

Robert steps back into the room, he walks slowly, as if he aged ten years in the few minutes they were out there. He walks up to us, "come on kids, we're going to a different room." His voice is gravely, I can tell he's trying to hold the tears back.

He's trying to be strong... for the children he is desperate to hold on to. I don't blame him, I wish I had begged Alec to stay.

Jace pulls up Isabelle and practically caries her to the door. I walk at a slower pace behind them. Should I go with them? This is a family moment. Alec is my family but that doesn't mean his family would want me here for this. Robert makes my decision for me when he ushers us onto an elevator.

Maryse and the doctor are already on it. Her eyes are downcast but I can see the tears streaming down her face. My heart races, what happened exactly?

The ride up is silent except for a sniffle or two. How are we holding together so well? All I want to do is go find Alec, wherever he is in the hospital.

On the new floor the doctor leads us to a door and opens it. Jace, Isabelle and I walk through it. It's another waiting room, but smaller and private, no one else is in it. My heart beats faster. What happened?

"Do you want to go see him now?" The doctor whispers to Robert.

Him... him! Not them. One of them survived. I love you Alexander, and I feel like the worst person in the world for thinking this, but please let it be Max who lived. I'll miss Alec for the rest of my life, but he would want Max to survive no matter what.

Robert clears his throat, "we have to tell the kids first. Give us a minute."

I usher Isabelle and Jace into seats and I sit next to them. Oh God...

Maryse stays at the door, swaying and keeping her eyes on the ground. Robert pulls a seat in front of Isabelle and Jace. "Guys what I'm about to tell you is-"

Jace growls, "are they dead? Just fucking tell us!"

Maryse flinches and my eyes shut. Jace...

Roberts throat tightens visibly, "one of them survived, he just got out of surgery. We'll have to wait and see."

Jace starts to shake, "dad please. Is Max okay?"

Tears begin leaking from his eyes. "Max hit his head on the window. He died on impact. They... they say that he felt no pain."

Oh God. Alec is never going to forgive himself if he survives. No...

Jace's body shakes hard, "is Alec okay?"

Roberts shoulders move up and down slowly. "He has a punctured lung, a ruptured spleen, and he hit his head on his window too. He's asleep right now, we... we're going to go see Max before Alec."

Isabelle jerks, "you're going to go see Max's..."

Robert puts his hand on her knee, "you three are going to Alec's room in the ICU. Your mom and I will go see... Max." He looks at me, "are you okay going with them?"

Nothing could keep me away. "Yes. Come on guys." I speak softly but firmly. They don't need to see Max. It would hurt them to much right now.

Surprisingly they get up and follow me to the elevator. Robert and Maryse need to be alone.

The trip to the ICU is quick but scary. I don't know if I will be able to see him hooked up to the machines. I don't know if I can do this... but Jace and Isabelle obviously need me right now.

When we get to the ICU we're given passes and told how to get to Alec's room. As we walk to his room my body tightens up. I can't do this...

They step into his room and I have to follow him. Alec is laying on a hospital bed. There are tubes coming out of him. There are bandages wrapped around his head and chest. There's blood on them...

My eyes flicker up to his face. He's pale, and he looks like he's barely breathing even though there's a tube sticking in his nose. I sit down on one of the chairs next to the bed slowly, as if I make any sudden moves something will happen.

I wait for Isabelle and Jace to sit down but when they don't I look up at them. Her eyes are huge and Jace is holding onto her arm, visibly shaking. Isabelle stares at Alec, tears rapidly fall from her eyes, "I can't do this!"

She dashes from the room and Jace runs after her, "Izzy wait!"

I go back and forth from following them to staying here but Alec wins out. I take one of his hands in mine, "Alec..."

My voice breaks and it takes me a minute before I can continue. "Please wake up. I need you. Your mom and dad need you. Jace and Izzy need you, now more than ever."

I caress his hand gently, "I need you baby. Please I need you."

I can't help the sobs that pour out of me. I double over him and let out everything.

I don't know how long I sit there, clutching his hand as if he's the only lifeline that I have left. He needs to live...

One of his fingers twitch and I sit up. No, I imagined it...

His finger moves again and I can see his eyes move beneath his eyelids. Come on baby, please.

His eyes flutter before shutting.

My fingers squeeze his tightly. "You're gonna be okay Alec. I promise you, we'll get through this."


	18. Chapter 18

**AN: as promised, here's the next chapter! This one was very hard for me to write, very difficult. Warnings include some suicidal thoughts and language. Thank you everyone for all the reviews and support, I very much appreciate it. Please read and review and enjoy! **

I've seen this room and I've walked this floor (you know)

I used to live alone before I knew ya

And I've seen your flag on the marble arch

And love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah...

Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley

**Alec POV:**

My eyes open and I blink away the sleep. My alarm is beeping and my fingers slowly slide over to it to turn it off. I glance around my room, my suit is hung up on my closet door. Mom or dad must have done it.

There's movement in the hallway, the steps stop outside of my door. I squeeze my eyes shut. Don't come in here, please don't come in here...

Whoever it is knocks softly, "Alec are you awake?"

The headache forms deep in my skull and I just want to smash my head against the wall to make it stop. "Yeah mom."

She turns the door knob but doesn't open it, "can I come in?"

No. Go away. Leave me alone. Let me stay here forever, let me die in this room alone. But I can't say that, I can't. "Come in."

Mom opens the door and closes it behind her. She's dressed in a black dress. Her hair is tied back in a loose bun and she doesn't have any makeup on. She's never looked bad for her age, but right now she looks so young and girlish. Her lips move but I can't understand her.

"What?" My voice is cold but quiet. She flinches and I look down, I need to stop this...

She clears her throat and tries again, "I set up your shower. You should get in now, we need to get to the... the funeral home early."

"Okay."

"Alexander..."

I keep my eyes on the ground, "what?"

She sighs softly, "it's not your fault. It's the other drivers fault. He ran the red light."

But I was on the phone mom. I might have been able to see the truck coming if I hadn't been on my phone. But I can't say that either. "I know. I'll take my shower now."

She stands by my bed as I get up and move past her. I can tell she's trying to figure out something to say but she can't. As I step up to the door I double over, pain shooting through my stomach.

Moms hands are instantly holding onto me, "Alexander, let's sit down."

I push her hands away, "I'm fine."

I'm never going to forget waking up in the hospital and seeing Magnus. I had forgotten about what had happened, I just wanted to see him. And then everyone came in. They told me Max had died on impact, he died instantly. That's why he didn't even drop his book...

Mom tries to push me down onto the bed and I push her hands away again, "I'm fucking fine!"

She moves away from me finally, "I'm sorry..."

I shake my head, "no, I'm sorry. I shouldn't talk to you like that."

My mind goes back to the hospital room. They told me that I had a punctured lung and a ruptured spleen and I'd hit my head on the window. I wish I had died instead of him...

Surgery saved me, all the medical mumbo jumbo flew over my head. The only thing that mattered was that I am alive. I can't believe it. They've told me so many times that they were so happy I survived. But what they aren't saying is that they wish if out of the two of us he had been the one to live. I can't blame them, I want the same thing. It shouldn't be Max's funeral today, it should be mine.

I can hear mom speaking but I can't understand her, "what?"

Tears sparkle in the corner of her eyes, "do you want to go back to the hospital?"

I shake my head, "it went away, I'm fine. It just hurts a little sometimes. I'm gonna go take my shower now."

I don't let her speak, I just walk past her and open the door. I can hear Jace and Isabelle in their rooms getting ready as I step into the bathroom. I instantly turn on the shower to hot and step into it.

The water burns my skin and tears start pouring from my eyes. I don't know if I can do this, I can't see him, I can't see his little body. There's knocking on the door and I quickly wash myself before getting out. The mirror is fogged up but I don't need it, I quickly run my brush through my hair and tie a towel around my waist.

The person knocks again and I open it. Isabelle is standing there in a simple black dress. Her eyes are downcast, "are you done in there?"

I can barely look at her, "all yours."

I step around her and make my way to my room. I dress in my suit as if on autopilot. We need to get through this day. That's all, I just need to get through this. God... I hate this.

When I'm done I make my way downstairs. Jace, mom, and dad are already at the bottom of the stairs. We wait for Izzy in silence, not even looking at each other. When she finally comes down we go outside and get into dad's SUV in silence.

The ride to the funeral home is excruciatingly painful. We all want to say something, mom tried. "Do you kids want the radio on?"

We all mutter no at the same time and she stays quiet.

When we get to the funeral home we get out and go inside. Jace, Izzy and I walk into the room that Max's coffin is in. I can instantly see his pale skin, his pink lips, his black hair. We walk up to the white coffin with gold trim and look down at him. They cleaned up his head and brushed his hair over where the wound was. He's dressed in a suit... God he hated that suit.

I pull a book out of my pocket, it's the last Death Note manga book. The one he wanted to buy that day. I bought it the day I got out of the hospital. I place it in the coffin next to him, he can read it in heaven now.

Like we're one, we all sit down on the first row of seats. The room quickly fills and mom and dad joins us. Someone puts their hand on my shoulder for a moment and I know it's Magnus. He squeezes my shoulder before pulling away.

As the service begins I keep my eyes on Max. The preacher talks about how short Max's life was but how he was filled with so much love from everyone. That he's in God's kingdom now and he's being taken care of until he can see his family again.

Izzy keeps her hand firmly on mine, and I hold onto her tightly. I think she's the only thing keeping me here right now.

Mom and dad get up to tell everyone how much they loved Max and all of us loved him so much. The tears trickle down my face. I miss him, I would do anything for just one more day with Max.

The service goes quickly after this and when it's over Jace stands up. He and dad are the pallbearors. My eyes shut before opening again slowly. I should be up there too. But they won't let me.

Magnus comes around our seat and he offers me a hand. I take it and he pulls me up into his arms. It's the first time today I let someone hug me today. My tears fall faster and he wipes them away gently. "Do you want to ride with me?"

I shake my head. "I have to ride with the family."

He kisses my temple softly before nodding. "I'll see you there."

Mom approaches us leads Isabelle and I outside. I can see the purple flag on our SUV. Then I look at all the other cars. There are so many...

We get into the car and mom drives us behind the hearse for a few miles towards the cemetery. My heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest. I can't do this. I can't see them lower the casket into the ground. I can't...

We park and Izzy takes my hand. She's made the decision for me, she needs me. I keep my hand on hers and we make our way over to the open grave. Dad and Jace have already set down the casket.

The snow is pure white around us, and Isabelle starts shivering. I instantly take off my suit coat and drape it around her. She leans into me and I hold her against my side.

Everyone gathers behind our family and I can almost feel Magnus behind me. The preacher steps up and starts talking again about how amazing Max was and how much we'll all love and remember him.

I try to tune him out and just stare at the casket. I hate today. I hate the preacher. I hate everything. I want him back.

Mom turns and motions to me and Jace and Isabelle. She wants us to talk. Jace steps forward and turns to the crowd of people, "we're going to miss Max for the rest of our lives. He was special, he was a great kid. He..." Jace looks down at the ground before looking up again, his eyes shining. "He was filled with so much life. I love you buddy. Stay strong." He presses his lips against his fingers and touches the coffin with them.

He steps back to us and mom looks at Isabelle and I. I know she holds everything in so she probably won't say anything. I pull her with me to Max's coffin and we turn to look at the crowd. I find Magnus and keep my eyes on him and Izzy pressed against my side.

"Max." I clear my throat. "Max Lightwood was many things. He was a child. He was a reader. He loved toys. He was filled with happiness and innocence right until the very end. He loved to read books, especially the Death Note manga. We were going to get the last book when the accident happened. I didn't care about those books, all I wanted was a fun day with my baby brother. I will spend the rest of my life missing him. I will remember him forever." I turn back to the coffin and place my fingers in the same place Jace had his. I lower my voice to a whisper so only Izzy and he can hear me, "I love you. I'm going to read the books, all of them. And when I die we can talk about it, I promise you."

Izzy and I step back to our parents and she wraps an arm around my waist. The funeral ends and everyone starts shaking mom and dad's hands. I can't take it anymore. I clutch my sister to me and pull her back to the car. I can hear Magnus follow us.

When we get to the car I give her my keys. "Get in and get warm, I need to talk to Magnus for a minute."

She takes my keys silently and climbs into the car. There's snow on my shirt and I'm starting to shake. He wraps his arms around me and presses his face against my head. "It's okay, I'm right here."

I turn in his arms and wrap my arms around him tightly, not caring who sees, not caring about anything. He holds me tight against his chest, "it's okay, I'm right here", he repeats. "I got you."

Hot tears fall faster and he whispers in my ear, "I got you."


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: hey guys! Here's the new chapter. This story is officially coming to an end, we'll only have a couple more chapters after this one before it's over. But if you like my Alec/Magnus stories I will be starting a new story in September. Without getting to far into detail, it will be a non Shadowhunter fic based in New York. The first chapter will go up the first week of September or the last week of this month if I finish this story soon enough. This chapter is kind of Magnus' darkest place. The biggest warning is strong language. The next Alec chapter is going to be huge, so get ready for the big conflict. Thank you everyone for the reviews and support, I really appreciate it. Here you go!**

_I will never let you fall_

_I'll stand up with you forever_

_I'll be there for you through it all_

_Even if saving you sends me to heaven_

_\- Your guardian angel - the red jumpsuit apparatus_

**Magnus POV:**

My bed looks so inviting as I step into my bedroom. All I want to do is tear off this suffocating suit and lay down. Water drops slide down my chest and I look down at my shirt. The snow from the funeral has melted and is working its way down my clothes.

I rip my suit coat off and throw it onto the ground. I'm sure I will care about it later but right now I don't when I'm so angry. My phone vibrates and I pull it out of my pocket, please be Alec. I tap the screen and am so disappointed to see a text from Lace instead.

**How did things go today?**

I'm unsure what to say. The service was beautiful. But I've never been more sad in my life. Max was a really good kid, he deserved better than this. I'm not positive that his family will entirely survive this.

Isabelle was clinging to Alec. I've known her for a long time now and I've always seen her as a tough young woman. Seeing her pressed against Alec's side, eyes downcast, was enough to break my heart. She never spoke, not once. Jace only spoke when he went up to the casket. Robert and Maryse were quiet unless they had to speak. Other than Alec, this is a loud family in their own ways.

My phone vibrates again and I look down at it, it's Lace again.

**Magnus?**

My fingers feel numb as they slide against the keyboard. **It's hard to explain. I'll call you in a little bit. **

**Okay. **Her text back is swift.

My mind goes back to after the funeral. Robert pulled me away from Alec and told me they needed family time. What he meant but was to polite to say, I'm not family. No matter what I am to Alec, it's clear that I'm not a part of his family.

That's not fair. I'm a part of Alec's family, but I'm not necessarily part of the Lightwood family. My eyes shut and the tears burn behind my eyes. My throat tightens. When I lost mom and killed my father I thought I would never have a family. And now here I am, upset that Alec's father doesn't want me around right now. What kind of person am I?

I need to respect Robert's decision. But when Alec asked me to come over and I said I couldn't the look on his face broke my heart. I didn't tell him his dad told me I shouldn't come around today, that would just make him angry. And he needs his family now. I'm not enough to put him back together, I know that. I don't like it, but I know it's true.

My mind goes back to Allie. After her funeral Alec attempted suicide. This time... if he tries to hurt himself he could be successful. I know he's on his meds but it doesn't matter, his baby brother is gone and in the fucking ground right now. It's not fair. It's not fair!

I need to be there. My fingers fly across the screen of my phone and press call on Alec's name before I can stop myself. His phone rings three times before he answers. His voice is in monotone.

"Hey Alec..." I obviously didn't think this through.

He doesn't speak for a minute. "What do you need Magnus?"

My lips quiver, he's upset with me. "Do you want me to come over?" To hell with what his dad wants. Alec needs me right now.

"You said that you couldn't earlier. What changed?"

My eyes close. I fucked up. I should have told Robert to go to hell, Alec's my family. "Your dad told me that I should just let you guys have family time. You need them."

His voice comes out breathy and I can hear the tears falling even if it should be impossible, "I need you. After Allie died you were the only one who could put me back together. I'm sitting alone in my room, angry, screaming at myself on the inside because I can't do anything else. Do you know how hard it is not to cut right now? No you don't. You don't understand how much I wish it had been me in a casket, not him. They don't understand, you don't understand, no one fucking understands!"

My lips shake and I can barely keep the sobs from coming out. "I'm-I'm coming over. Baby please don't hurt yourself."

"Fuck you." Oh God I said the wrong thing... "I'm never going to change. This is who I am. You can't fix me, I told you that you saved me after Allie died. I wasn't lying. But you can't fix this. Nothing can fix this. Nothing can save me no matter what mom or dad or Izzy or Jace or even you try. No matter what anyone says I am partially at fault for Max's death. If I hadn't called you, I might have seen the truck!"

I listen to his whole tirade quietly. My body starts shaking and I can't stop it, "it wasn't your fault. He ran a red light and hit you. That's on him. I'm coming over, stay on the phone. Yell at me if that's what you need, break up with me if that's what you need, say whatever you need to say. I'm with you for the long haul, I'm yours, I love you."

He sobs and I can hear someone say something to him, "I'm fine mom." No baby you're not. "My dad was right, I need my family. Just... call you tomorrow."

My eyes widen, "no you need me now!"

"Goodnight Magnus."

"Alec please!" There's no response and I pull my phone away from my ear. He hung up.

My knees shake and I drop to the floor, sobs pouring out of me. What do I do? What do I do?!


	20. Chapter 20

**AN: hey guys! Here is the next chapter. After this one there will probably only be one more Magnus chapter and then an epilogue then the story will be over. That chapter should be posted tomorrow or Tuesday. Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this story and Saving Alec. And thank you for all of the amazing reviews, they really make me happy. This chapter will have strong language, suicidal thoughts and just a butt load of tears and sadness. Please read and review and enjoy!**

Maybe it was all too much

Too much for a man to take

Everything's bound to break

Sooner or later, sooner or later

You're all that I can trust

Facing the darkest days

Everyone ran away

We're gonna stay here, we're gonna stay here

When it all falls, when it all falls down

I'll be your fire when the lights go out

When there's no one, no one else around

We'll be two souls in a ghosttown

\- ghosttown - Madonna

**Alec POV:**

I regret hanging up on Magnus almost as soon as I do it. My hand lowers down to my side. My other hand rests on my knee, my nails biting into my pants. There's shuffling outside of my door and my eyes close tight. Leave me alone, I want to be alone. As if she can hear me mom walks back down the hallway to Max's room.

When we got home from the funeral she instantly ran to his room and dad followed her. I didn't. I already know what I'm going to see if I do. Ever since he died she lays in his bed, curled up in dad's arms. The day after I got home from the hospital I overheard her on the phone, she was telling the person she could still smell Max on the blankets. That she presses her face against his pillow and breathes in the scent.

Late one night when she was crying in the shower I snuck into his room and smelled the pillow. I had a hard time choking back my tears. I couldn't smell Max, I smelled mom's perfume and the detergent she uses. I guess his scent is something only mom can pick up. Or maybe I just don't know what I'm looking for.

My fingers clench my pants harder and my other hand drops my phone. It rings again but I ignore it. I was so unfair to Magnus. He didn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve me, he deserves so much better than me. I don't understand how he could still love me. I've pushed him away, I've destroyed what we are time and time again but he stays. He stays...

The voicemail icon sounds and I quickly turn off my phone. I can't hear his words right now. He told me he was going to be mine forever. That he was in this for the long haul. I don't understand why he would be.

I try to push that thought away. If he was going through something like this I would be there for him forever. Even if he tried to push me away. I would be there forever. And here I am, pushing him away. I'm so out of control right now.

The phone downstairs rings and I can hear dads deep voice from up here. I try to block him out, it's probably someone giving their condolences. I can't hear an 'I'm sorry' again. I hate that word. I didn't until today. Every person I was forced to talk to said they were sorry. Their thoughts were with us.

Dad walks up the stairs and stops next to my door. My eyes close tight, don't come in here. I don't want to see you. You kept Magnus from me when I needed him the most. Dad's footsteps start back down to Max's room, thank God.

My relief isn't long lived because I can hear his heavy steps coming back towards my room. He hesitates before knocking. I don't answer, my eyes squeeze shut. Leave me alone, please just leave me the fuck alone. I don't want to leave this room, I want to stay here forever. I want to die here, alone, in the only sanctuary I have left.

I can hear a key push into my door. Of course he has a key. Because God forbid I have peace and security in my own bedroom. He opens the door slowly and my eyes stay locked on my carpet. He doesn't speak and if this wasn't the worst day of my life our awkward silence would be comical.

Dad lets out a soft sigh and I stare at the dark blue lines in my carpet. Maybe if I keep ignoring him he'll just leave me alone. I can hear him open and close his mouth but no words come out. What can he possibly say?

"Magnus just called."

Oh, that. I just figured the call was from someone offering their condolences. Like any of us want to hear that.

"Alexander?"

I nod. Maybe I should call him back...

"Alec, please talk to us."

Us? I glance up and I'm shocked to see mom standing next to dad. I didn't hear her steps coming down the hallway. It's even more shocking that she left Max's bed. My lips part slightly before I firm them and look back down. I can't look at her. We've all taken Max's death hard but mom... she's barely surviving this.

She's quiet as she steps into my room, I can see her tights clad feet in my line of sight but I keep my eyes stubbornly on the ground. Her fingers slide through my hair and I can't help my eyes from shutting, it feels so good. She hasn't done this for me in years.

My mattress pushes down as mom sits next to me. One of her arms snakes around my back and the other keeps sliding through my hair. I lean into her and I feel myself relaxing for the first time since Max died. She murmurs into my ear so softly I can't even understand her but I don't care. I need this, I need her.

Dad paces in my doorway and I know that he's contemplating coming over here. Dad doesn't really comfort us that much. We were always very self reliant, even Max. If I needed comfort I'd keep quiet, unless Izzy or Jace or Max knew something was wrong with me.

Mom presses a kiss against my temple and I try to remember the last time she did that. Not since I was a kid... younger than Max.

And it all comes back. Suddenly mom's arms feel like a vice. Her kisses are cold and I can't stand her touch. I abruptly stand and the force nearly knocks her off my bed. Mom and dad are both quiet, but they both instinctively reach out for me at the same time. My arms raise and I cover my face with them.

"Leave."

My words are muffled so I speak louder. "Please, please leave."

It takes them a while to get the hint. But eventually dad pulls up mom and takes her back to Max's room. He appears a moment later just as I'm about to slam the door. His eyes narrow briefly before they close. "Alec, keep this door unlocked, you understand me?"

"Fuck you."

He's just as shocked as I am. Why did I say that? It just came out. His eyes get wet and I look down. If he cries in front of me I know that I'll lose it. "I... I won't lock it."

He says nothing as the door shuts in front of his face. It's tempting to lock it but knowing my luck he'll kick down the door, I've seen him do it before so I know he can do it.

Eventually dad's steps finally make their way back to his room and my knees stop holding me up. I hit the ground hard as a sob escapes me and the tears cascade down my face. I shouldn't have said that to him! How could I do that?!

My eyes slowly slide up to my closet. On the top shelf to the back there still should be a pocket knife. Yes...

I'm a problem. I'm only making families lives worse. And I know the only thing that will make me better is if I see Max again.

My legs are shaking as I raise up. Don't worry Max, I'm coming.


	21. Chapter 21

**AN: as promised, here's the new chapter! This chapter is pretty much a huge ball of emotion. Warnings are strong language and suicidal thoughts. This is probably the last chapter but the epilogue will be posted sometime this week. My new Malec story will also be posted within the next couple of weeks as well. I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, and reviews make me a happy writer. Please enjoy. **

I told you I wouldn't call, I told you I wouldn't care

But baby climbing the walls gets me nowhere

I don't think that I can take this bed getting any colder

Come over, come over, come over, come over, come over

You can say we're done the way you always do

It's easier to lie to me than to yourself

Forget about your friends, you know they're gonna say

We're bad for each other, but we ain't good for anyone else

Come over - Kenny Chesney

**Magnus POV:**

Alec's words are still ringing in my ears even as I hang up the phone with Robert. He had made it clear that I need to give Alec space, and I need to give their family time to grieve. But I don't know if I can do that.

My mind wanders back to after Allie's funeral. It wasn't even a few hours later that Alec was attempting suicide. And this... this is even worse. Robert said that Alec's door is unlocked, that he has no weapons, that he can't get a hold of pills. But I still don't think those things can stop Alec. If he wants to hurt himself then he will. If he wants to die...

Who am I kidding, of course he wants to hurt himself! He blames himself for Max's death. I need to talk to him, but since I'm banned from going over there I'll do the next best thing.

My fingers fly across my phones screen to get to Jace's number. But when I press the phone to my ear I'm disappointed, it doesn't ring, it just goes straight to voicemail. Frustration fills me, damnit Jace. I hang up and call Isabelle. The phone rings six times and I'm about to hang up when the phone clicks.

"Magnus?" Her voice is soft, and it's obvious that she was crying.

"I'm sorry to bother you but I need to know that Alec's okay." Please tell me that he's okay...

It takes her a few moments before she speaks, "mom and dad are in his room with him now I think. Wait, hold on."

"Hold on for what?" I start to panic. What's happening over there?

She sighs, "dad just took mom back to Max's room. And now he's walking back to Alec's room, I'm going out into the hall."

I can suddenly hear a deep, muffled voice that I recognise as Robert but I can't tell what he's saying. "Isabelle, what's going on?"

She doesn't respond. "Fuck you."

My eyes widen, that... that was Alec. I can't believe that he said that. "I... I won't lock it." I hear a door shut and Isabelle's feet on the floor. Her door shuts softly.

"Magnus?"

I don't know what to say... "What?"

"Why aren't you here right now?"

There's a lump in my throat and I can't swallow it. I should be there, I should have ignored Robert. "Your... your dad told me not to come over."

Her voice gets deeper and I can tell that she's angry, "fuck him. You need to be here, right now. Just let yourself in." My phone beeps and I realize she's hung up on me. But I don't care.

I'm on my feet and out of my bedroom within seconds of her hanging up. As I burst outside I realize that my suit coat is on my bedroom floor and I'm only in my shirt, fuck it. Snow is falling rapidly and my fingers start shaking as I unlock the door to my car. And then I'm off.

As my car speeds in the direction of Alec's house my body continues to shake. Maybe from the cold, maybe from the adrenaline. But what I do know is this, I made this journey once. Last year I had a horrible feeling about Alec and ended up finding him nearly dead in a bathtub. I will never get over that moment when he opened those eyes and looked up at me as I rushed into the bathroom.

My car fishtails and I try to right it. I can't wreck, if I do it will push him over the edge completely. I need to focus on getting to Alec, not what happened in the past.

I probably break about fifty laws but I finally pull into Alec's driveway and park. Every second feels like an hour as the storm kicks up and I have to force my way through the snow to his front door. It better not be locked, please don't be.

My hand, pale white and numb, grips the door handle and pushes in. Thankfully it opens and I shut the door behind me. My lips immediately start quivering and I glance down. My shirt is soaking wet from the snow and I can see my tanned skin through it.

Footsteps land on the top steps above me and I look up. Robert is staring down at me in shock, "I told you not to come here!"

Before I can answer I hear a crash, "where is it?! Where the hell is it?!"

Alec... My feet launch me up the stairs and I reach Alec's door almost as soon as Robert does. He's beating on Alec's door. "Alexander Lightwood! Open this door right now or I swear to the Angel that I will kick it down!"

I glance to the right and see Jace and Isabelle standing in her doorway, his arms around her. Maryse is standing next to them with tears in her eyes and her hand over her open mouth.

There's more crashes from inside of Alec's room and Robert pushes me back. His leg comes up and smashes into Alec's door, successfully knocking it down. If I wasn't so upset I would probably be admiring the older man's strength but instead I dash into Alec's room before stopping.

The room looks like hurricane Alec came through and destroyed the place. His dresser drawers are on the floor with their contents half emptied. Everything he owns is strewn all over the floor and there's a kicked over chair next to his closet door. Alec is standing in the middle of the room, turned away from me. I can tell his chest is heaving and I can hear the sobs trying to force their way out of him.

It's breaking my heart.

Alec finally turns and barely looks at me before glaring at his father. "You had no right to take it. No fucking right!"

And it registers. His pocket knife. When I found out that he keeps a pocket knife in his closet I told Robert and Maryse. Alec was sent to the hospital and I told them to get rid of it, I wasn't positive if they did but obviously they had.

Alec steps towards Robert but my arm shoots out and I gently push him back. "Alec, we just want you to stay safe." My eyes drift to Robert, "he and I need to talk. And I really don't care if you like it or not. I'm the only one who can help him right now." The words feel right even as I say them. He needs me to save him. And if I have to save him a million times for the rest of my life then I will gladly do it.

Surprisingly Robert nods and walks towards the rest of the family. I can hear them talking but not what they're saying, eventually I hear a door shut. Good, they love Alec but they know that he needs me now more than ever.

My eyes come back to rest on Alec. He's gritting his teeth and his chest is still rising and falling rapidly. His hands are gripped into fists. My mouth opens but nothing comes out. Maybe this was a bad idea.

"Did you tell them about my knife?" His words are harsh and I flinch.

"Yes. I wanted them to get rid of it so that... so that something like this could never happen. If you had it you would be dead right now!" My hands reach out for him and he smacks one of them away.

"That's my choice!" Tears are streaming down his face and he trys to rub them off but more come. "It's the only thing that I can control. I want to die."

My hands come up and grip his arms, "Max wouldn't want that! It will kill your family to lose both of you. It will kill me to lose you."

His hands come up and he hits my chest. And then he does it again, and again, and then I lose count I just let him hit me while he cries. "It's not fair that he's dead. It should have been me. It should have been me! He was good and sweet and kind and the most amazing brother in the world. He was-" he chokes on his tears, "it's not fair!"

One of his hands comes up and just barely grazes my chest as his legs collapse out from under him. I try to keep him upright but I fall with him and we sit in a big mess of his clothes. Alec's fingers clench onto my shirt and his face is buried into my neck. My arms keep him pressed tightly against me and my lips search out one of his ears.

"Max loved you. He loved you, and I love you. Jace and Isabelle love you. Your mother and father love you. It's not fair that he died. And you will relive that moment the truck smashed into your car for the rest of your life. But I will always be there to keep you safe. I will never let you down. I love you Alexander. I fucking love you so much. After my mom committed suicide I told myself that I would never love anyone again but I love you. I can't lose you like I lost her. I can't lose both of you that way. I... I can't. I can't baby."

He hiccups and his arms wrap around my neck, pulling me against him as much as he can. His lips move against my neck and I have to struggle to hear them. "How can I live like this? Without him, alone."

One of my hands slide through his hair and grips it gently. My voice is hoarse when I open my mouth, "you are not alone. You are with me, and I will always be with you. I will always be yours. You saved me from being a person that I didn't want to be, you saved me from my father's shadow that has lingered on me since I did what I did. And I will save you. I will save you from even yourself if I have to."

He cries against my neck and I can feel his tears against my skin, hot tears that warm me up inside. "I don't want to be alone. I'm losing everyone I love."

I pull away from him slightly and I look into his blue eyes that I fell in love with the first time I met him, "you will never lose me. I love you."

His face moves closer to mine and our lips meet. I can taste the salt from his tears on my lips but I don't care. I grip his hair in one hand and cup his face with the other and we just kiss. His fingers slide up into my hair and I pull away slightly, pressing soft kisses against his lips.

Alec's eyes are shut and I hear footsteps in the door. I look up and see Maryse looking at us. Her eyes meet mine and she gives me a small smile before walking away. My eyes drift back down to Alec.

I may have saved you today Alec, but the real hero in this piece is you. You saved me.


	22. Chapter 22

**AN: hey guys, here's a ridiculously long authors note. Here is the epilogue for Saving Alec, Saving Magnus. The two stories have come together at forty-one chapters, nearly seventy thousand words, and over two hundred and fifty reviews. These things have truly shocked me, and I am so thrilled to have made something for you guys that you love. Your words of encouragement and constructive criticism and telling me that I'm a good writer have given me real faith in my writing. Saving Alec's plotline popped into my head two days before I wrote the first chapter on January 29th, 2014. I was unsure about my writing skills, and I was scared about how much you guys would like it. But now, over two and a half years later, I feel so much better about my writing then I ever have. I laughed with you all, and yes, when you cried I did to. Thank you all for making me feel like my words mattered. **

**I also want to thank Intoxic, you have reviewed every single chapter since the very beginning. When I wanted to give up because I doubted myself you helped me believe in this story. **

**To Soulelvi, you've given such detailed reviews for many of my chapters on this story and I greatly appreciated all of them. Thank you for your encouragement.**

**And to all of the guests and other fans of Saving Alec, thank you so much. I will be posting my new Malec story next week on Sunday or Monday so watch out for that if you're interested. Well for the last time, let's Save Alec and Magnus. **

Show me what it's like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

And say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me

Nickelback - Savin me

**Alec POV:**

My eyes shut as I lean against Magnus. His strength keeping me upright. The warm summer air is hitting us and he wraps an arm around my waist.

When I finally have the courage to open my eyes I look down. Etched in a gravestone are the words "Maxwell 'Max' Lightwood - Beloved son and brother. May the Angel watch over you." My eyes begin to water and I close them again as I let out a shaky sigh. Magnus' arm tightens around me.

He doesn't need to say anything, he just knows. He knows what I need. My eyes peek open again and I look back down at the grave. This is the first time I've had the courage to come here. Every day has been an uphill battle for me. I think that I might always blame myself for his death, but I know that I will also always have my family to support me through it. My family...

They have been more supportive of me than I could ever possibly deserve. Dad and I got over my angry outburst. Mom has acted more like my mother than whatever we were before. And Jace, Isabelle, and I have only deepened our already incredibly deep bond.

A leaf falls from the tree over the grave and lands on the headstone. My fingers feel numb as I push the leaf off. Magnus seems to know what I'm feeling and presses me as tightly to him as he can. Even though the timing is probably terrible, I smile and rest my head on his shoulder.

His lips graze against my temple gently and the touch burns. The wind picks up again and I look up at the sky. Dark clouds are moving towards us and Magnus slides his hand up to my elbow, "are you ready to go?"

A huge raindrop hits my head and I smile wider, "afraid to get wet?"

His eyes widen as more rain hits his head, "oh, oh no. My hair!" He runs a hand through his gelled and glittered hair and I let out a little laugh. There's my wonderful, slightly conceited, amazing boyfriend.

I look back down at the grave and motion for Magnus to go to the car just as the rain picks up, "I'll be there in a minute."

I can't help but watch him make a mad dash to his car, trying to cover his hair and face with his arms. I kneel down next to Max's grave, "hey brother."

Water slides down my back as the tree gives me a little cover, "I'll never forget you. You'll be with me forever. I don't know if you know this but I graduated school last month. I needed to work hard but I did it. I don't think anyone clapped harder for me than mom and dad. Jace and Izzy are going to be Seniors this year and I can't wait to see what they're gonna do with their lives. I wish I knew what you would have done with your life to. I love you Max."

I choke on a sob and I look back at Magnus' car. He would have stayed with me in the rain if I had asked... but he knew that I needed this. That I needed time with Max.

I place one hand on the gravestone and rest my forehead against it, "I love you. I will always love you. I'll be back soon to see you."

My legs feel weak as I turn away from the grave and head back to the car. As I get in I realize he's already turned on the heat and has the vents pointed at my seat. His eyes are on me as I buckle up. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah."

I don't know if I'll ever get over Max and Allie's deaths. But I do know that Magnus will always get me through it. And that... that is all I can ask for. I may have saved him, but he has saved me more times than I can count.

I love him, and he loves me. And that is what truly counts in this world.


End file.
